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☆ Xin Yi

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far too gone.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009 10:04 PM
Just when I wanted to give up everything, I remember the efforts of people who encouraged me on. Those we gave me praises, those who kept my hopes up, those who gave me encouragement. Lastly, it was pride. No wonder they say pride is a wonderful yet dangerous thing.

That's why I can't give up, that's why I can't stop. The efforts will be wasted. Those days when I will go emo, and after talking to someone/people I'll be fine again.

And I've fallen into this trap for too long. Slowly and steadily, since I don't know when. Even if I try to get out of this situation, there's always a consequence to pay. I can actually predict what will happen, but I'm afraid worse things may happen.

I used to think that I was always the one who encourage others, and it wasn't fair. It was only today when I thought hard. I thought about my actions, what happened. You know, the action and effect. Then I realised the time which I had wasted, not using it wisely, not cherishing others, not doing what's right. And then I noticed that many people have been encouraging me. Sometimes, it was so small that I didn't know. But other times it was just telling me directly. And I also noticed some people's attitude towards me have softened. Is that the correct word? Maybe it's because of the first impression I've given to the people, or maybe they have heard about negative sides of me. 

And for the first time, I noticed I've changed. No it wasn't the usual more-witty, more-intelligent, better-sense-of-humour kind of change. It was the change in attitude. It was the more unreasonable, more demanding, more superficial, even meaner, more explosive, less tolerance level, more impatient and bad temper kind of change. And it wasn't the kind of girl I want to be. Perhaps it's the stress, or perhaps it's just me. I don't know, but I certainly do not wish to remain like this. Bad temper, gosh. Just shoot me.

Anyway, the point if that I'm not going to give up. I held on to so many things, and this is one which I can't let go. People are still encouraging me, people still appreciate the things I do, people still acknowledge my existence. This means I still have hope, and I need to believe in myself. For doing well is not just for myself, it's also to do proud of those who trusted me, those who kept telling me I can. Because, I can.

I'm not just any other ordinary girl you meet on the streets. I'm the people-still-have-faith-in-me, I'm-going-to-try-my-best, the-world-isn't-ending-yet, I'm-enjoying-myself kind of girl. I'm a star, not those who just sparkle brightly once and doesn't anymore kind of star. I'm a star that shines brightly, forever.