Only Randomness Allowed

2012-01-01T23:37:00.002+08:00

What's a new year without resolutions? Some people say that it's pointless, because it shouldn't take a new year to realise that something has to be changed or that no one sticks to them anyway. Quite true I guess. But to me it's like a milestone or some sort similar, and a time to look back and reflect. Plus it's part of seeing setting goals in life. So here goes!

1. Eat healthy and exercise. Am so tempted to just put lose weight, but I guess I don't really care as long I have less fat legs. (Hahah the same as every year! But I have faith because it didn't become an empty promise like last year.)

2. Maintain my grades. (At least!)

3. Watch The Wicked, by hook or by crook.

4. If You Me At Six comes to Singapore (fingers crossed) to go to their concert.

5. Save $$$

6. Clear out my wardrobe and add to it.

7. Be less anti-social gahhhh.

8. Make time for myself to do what makes me happy, be it reading or piano.

9. Work on my punctuality. Outings, presents etc.

10. Figure out what I want I'm interested to study in.

11. Be less of an ass.

12. Just well, be happy.

12 resolutions for the year 2012! Some of them is more of a wish/superficial vainpot want but I don't care. A point I want to add to the previous post (of last year! hehe) is that well, I'm glad and proud of myself for moving on. I really hope I'll be less of a sloth and be more productive. I WILL. Here's to an amazing year x.

2011-12-31T15:54:00.006+08:00

Last day of 2011! Hahah it amazes me to no end how I have to blog on the last day of the year or the first day of the new year, no matter how long I've been away before that. And since someone has been half complaining here it is a new post!

2011:

- Completed OBS omg what an achievement. Spend my BIRTHDAY kayaking like crazy for hours and getting sunburnt/tanned. It will be an unforgettable way to spend. To be honest it was actually quite fun and it's an experience with many lessons learnt. Hahah it wasn't that bad!

- My first and last SYF, for secondary school life at least. It was so uhhh emotionally challenging for me, I don't know if that's right to describe. Anyway, the journey was nightmare. Yet so fulfilling because at the end of the day we all made friends, had fun and the effort paid off.

- Lion King the musical. My first ever musical! I really enjoyed it even though it costs a bomb. Really want to watch The Wicked, gonna bug my Dad about it!

- Family trip to Sichuan and jiuzaigou. The food was really shitty at first but it got better. The view was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. When you're there you just want to migrate over there and live forever. There's all the beautiful lakes and the trees around, plus awesome weather. It was freezing slightly because I wasn't wearing enough but I'll choose that over sweaty humid hot Singapore any time. In chengdu I love the shopping hee, the deals were so incredible even though the quality sucks. I really do hope this trip is the last time we're going to China and yet not the last time we're going overseas as a whole family.

- SYDNEY TRIP! With CCA. My first time going on an immersion programme and the first time going to Australia. I had such an incredible time. Everyday was just sightseeing, eating good food at restaurants, shitty breakfast, yucky Subway which everyone got sick of, putting makeup, uniform, the drills, performing. And laughing and acting as if we're drunk. Even though it was hard work and lots of money poured in, everything paid off. :)

- HARRY POTTER 7 PART 2 MOVIE! Out of the many different movies I watched this year I guess this is the one that will forever be the most significant. I'm not a huge Potterhead because I confess, I have only read the last 2 books. Even so I can really say I grew up watching Harry Potter movies and all. And now? It's a big part of my life because of Dramione. And because of Harry Potter that's why I'm such a fan of Tom Felton now hee.

- MY NEW BLACKBERRY! ♡ Finally got a new phone, after people saying stuff like "aiyoh why so phone so laopok one" hahaha. Am super happy because I've wanting a bb since around sec 1? Won over by the keyboard. Have been using for a few months now and have not regret one single bit. Lots of people (especially my parents) keep bugging/asking me why I want a bb and not a say, iPhone. Because it's not totally touchscreen, has a keypad which allows me to type crazy fast (quoted from my friend), doesn't lag like shit even though I never delete my messages and just so brilliant.

- Pottermore. I still haven't gotten to playing it yet because well I'm lazy to be honest. Anyway, I am super lucky be a beta user! Created 3 accounts hur hur I'm nuts. Gave 2 away though, the one for myself has a super nickname which I really love. Am anxious yet dreading to take the sorting hat test because I want to be sorted into Slytherin house so bad. Like what everyone else says, the site isn't really worth all that hype because there's nothing much.

- Sandwich. A gift for one of my friends. Super adorable.

- Lowest MSG ever for me! It's not the best or close to being good but I'm super super happy! I improved so much (in my opinion) since last year and all my hard work paid off. All the studying, doing homework blahblah. It's my first year ever which I ever worked my ass off. Yeah I did slack a lot too but I guess I kidda made that up with my crazy sleep hours. Not that I'm truly proud of that. So! I'm quite happy with my grades this year. The best part of this is that my parents don't really bug me too much about studies anymore, even though they see me stone the whole day.

- Suzhou trip. I went there knowing only about 3 people and came back knowing more people! It was really interesting to see the school, teaching style etc. Plus it was fun hanging out with a different group of people!

- Started watching Big Bang Theory! It's super funny really I think everyone should go watch it.

- You Me At Six. It's been about 2 months since I first started to listen to their songs but I really like the band so very much already. It's probably second on my list, behind 五月天. And I daresay it's one of the best things that happened to me this year. They make awesome music, are so adorable, am funny and incredibly nice people. :)

- 五月天's new album. ♥ I can go on and on about how amazing/awesome/incredible it is but I shouldn't. Everyone should hear the songs for themselves. And my Dad is so sick of hearing me play this album haha. I've been listening to it on the stereo/computer/iPod. But they're so good you cannot stop and you won't ever get sick of their songs!

That pretty much sums up this year. There are many other small things, like quitting french and dramione fanfictions still being my drug. But they can't really be counted as milestones I guess. Of course as usual, no matter what happened and changed, I made new friends, lost old ones and am grateful for those who still stuck by me. Of course! I'm really super happy hehe because I found someone who kidda like dramione too (according to my knowledge) and listen to similar bands! The current me is much different from the old one. In terms of what I like, my celebrity crushes, my personality, the tiny little things and especially so for my music taste.

And you know what? I'm happy. Not the super high kind, but I'm pretty satisfied with my life as it is now. For the first time in so so long, at least I know what I'm doing and working for what I want.

Thank you 2011, for being such a fantastic great damn year x.

2011-12-04T23:52:00.001+08:00

Life's been really wonderful!

Went over to my friend's house on Friday. Did a little work then another friend came over. Hee we just chat, look at Mango and ate. A lot of Pocky. I know it sounds reeeeally boring/not fun but I just had a such a great time! Went down for a swim (not being lazy anymore!) and filed all the past years shit at night. Am so proud of myself because all the notes and blahblah are so neat right now. I have empty files ready for next year's invasion of the notes. I'm going to pack my room next. Cannot cannot cannot stand how it looks right now. And hopefully I'll still have time to clear our wardrobe. It's getting kind of uh, full.

Yesterday I went to watch Breaking Dawn with my friends! Hahah it's really becoming like a tradition. My friend not allowed to watch the movie, then we panic and worry but in the end everything works out perfectly. Had a great time! But apparently there was an after credits scene wtf. I hate it when the movie makers do that!

Had dinner at night with my family, aunts and uncle. It was such an incredible time spent with them really! To be honest the food wasn't that great except my appetizer. But hey I love the company. They came over and tried out my dad's new toy hahaha. May be going out with my aunt and bro, plus my cousins perhaps, can't wait!

Slept until 1PM today what a pig I am. ;) (And I took a nap just now wtf) Went to my grandparents' house, especially since it's been such a long time since the last visit. Finished up some work and ate a lot of yummy delish food. We watched tv together it was so fun telling them who is who. And I watched some episodes of Big Bang Theory. Everyone should go watch that comedy it's hilarious.

Last night I was watching Bite Your Tongue music video and the top comment was "Draco Malfoy playing the drums." LOL instant love for You Me At Six! Hee Dan Flint with platinum blond hair. :P And yesterday and today there were really things that made me go o.o in the pleasant surprise good way.

Oh and my friend is incredible she got me a Spongebob iPod cover! It's so bright and happy .Super super love it hehe.

December really has been amazing so far, I hope it'll continue x.

2011-12-01T23:18:00.002+08:00

"This is the problem with getting attached with someone: When they leave you, you just feel lost."

Funny how it feels. For me I mean emotionally attached at least.

I'm such a contradict really. It's like I don't really care. Yet I do, too much.

The best part which I love is that you know nothing. It's so lovely how ignorant some people can be. Really? You have no clue at all.

So, I recently kind of realised that no matter how much I try to change, I'm still that same ol' me no matter. And honestly, nothing much is different. Perhaps some tweaks here and there, but essentially the same. It's like what Nate said in Gossip Girl: "You can't fight against who you are." I think I understand who it means now. Sure, probably now I'm more mature. (Don't laugh!) Less stupid and trusting. Blahblah, the list goes on. Yet I'm still the idiotic annoying lame childish extremely insecure one.

What I really want to say that maybe, I can just take a second to pause. Live. Breathe. Take things as it is.

I wish I have a Non-Judging Breakfast Club too. I get so sick of whether to tell people things. I hate how fucking interlinked everyone is. It's an effing small world you know. When you're going to have the same schoolmates for another 3 whole years. If any knows your dirt and shit, they just spill it. And there you go, years to endure it. Go you. The worst part is how hypocritical the whole world is. Or more of a two-faced backstabbing bitch. It's quite fun to watch when you're an outsider though to be honest.

I guess that's why I do treasure my friends from other schools. You know, those doesn't have a hundred or so mutual friends on Facebook. Because somehow these people don't judge. They listen and they don't go around telling other people. They don't secretly think what a big fat asshole you are or whatever other shit in their heads when they talk. It's not about whether the person relates or not. It's if the people judge.

Whether or not the person will judge me - that's also how I see if I can trust a person. Partly. I guess that's why it's so hard to find someone who is trustworthy.

Am really angsty now. Just suddenly everything overwhelms and that sudden feeling you get. Frustrated with different things. Shall go reply texts and tidy my room. I swear it's more of a forest than a pig sty now. Though my bro did comment that it's like a land mine, have to step over this and that.

Happy December x.

2011-11-29T00:40:00.002+08:00

I AM BACK FROM CHINA! Long ago actually, it has been one week. Righttt I'll blog about it another day. (Which really means, never. Because I'm a fucking liar like that.)

Anyway I was just reading some stuff and realised, WHY HAVEN'T I NOTICED. Like wtf hello it's right in my face so is it just me or has everyone been that oblivious. I have to do something about. I don't have a clue what but I can't let it escalate. If it gets serious it's not a joke yo. Ahhhh worry worry worry.

What I've been up to the past week! After I came back. On Tuesday I went out in the morning afternoon there was CCA. Wednesday I went out and watch movie! You are the apple of my eye. THE LEAD ACTOR IS CUTE YO. And super funny hahaha the way we sneaked in! We kept planning and worrying and so many of plans failed. And we saw the teacher that followed me to Suzhou! Like TWICE. And she knew what we were up to and was .___. ORH HOR.

Thursday CCA. Friday went over to my friend's house! Talked chat, you know just chill out. Saturday there was the HCCO interaction. I had to wake up at bloody 7AM I wanted to die. Anywayyyy, my parents were away for a few days. Peace and quiet and can do whatever shit I want!

My friend came over today (Monday) , nuts I swear. I'm up now typing this because I'm so bloody full I can't sleep. There's CCA tomorrow/today (Tuesday) and I have to wake up early again. Life's sad and it sucks ball.

I shall rant because there's nothing else I really wanna do and I've neglected this so much. I really do need to type. I'm super duper uber sian these days. Bored, you know. I wish I can say there's absolutely nothing to do but that's a lie. For example I can uhhh, finish up all my homework. Go study Chinese because I'm so shitty at that. Or watch videos, but oh no there's something wrong with me. I find it boring, unbelievable right. Damn I need to stop being such a lazy fatty!

Oh oh oh my Dad is awesome! For today, at least. I told my brother he really dressed like an uncle. AND I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT! Then my dad added, "Yah lor. No standard." LOL it was hilarious in the moment. And we were out and I was eyeing this pencil case, so I dragged him to look at it and asked if it was worth it. He said he doesn't know and "if you want just buy". I wish he can forever be in that state, then I'll drag him along every time I go out and shop. Though most of the time he's just really annoying and I can't help but think he's picking fights with me. "Ehhh where's that very delicious thing you bought from China. You know, that one." (HOW I KNOW WHICH ONE.) "Yeah we're going out for diner. You're paying right." My brother also! "Oh so 阿信 is from 信乐团?" WTF!

On a side note, YOU ARE BACK!!! :3 It's annoying how you were gone and I was gone at different times. So altogether the time we weren't on the same land is extra long. But hey thank goodness for internet! Meet up SOON!

Note to self: Good friend going overseas soon yo.

I can't help but feel as I go older I uhhhh move to the dark side. In the sense that what I wanna do isn't all those that a goody two shoes does. Just recently I thought smoking is cool. Which is obviously, something worrying. Seeing how I've always greatly dislike smokers. And I've not only thought but also expressed my opinion on how I want a tattoo. And more piercings. Not just another earlobe one but maybe conch. And tongue, but I don't wanna taste the metal. To me there's entirely nothing wrong! But yeah, that's me. And honestly, what's keeping me from not doing is because of school/family/friends. Family and friends are really my anchor to being that good little girl.

I'm still so full I feel like puking. This sucks. At this rate I'm never going to sleep.

I shall go file stuff or clear out my old clothes. xx

魔鬼中的天使

2011-10-30T02:02:00.003+08:00

In short, life has been pretty brilliant in that special way.

EOYs are finallyyyyyy over! I must really say I'm sort of proud of myself for this year. All the studying at Starbucks/Island Creamery/people's house, blasting music, basically just working hard. Truly mugging. I still remember the home-learning day when I was doing work the whole day. In the past I will just sleep, slack it off and not care. So yes, I really did make the effort. Not the best I could have done, but I improved! Proud to say that this year is the one which I worked the hardest hee.

It feels kind of strange that the school year is coming to an end. There are still things to do, homework and assignments. Especially for the holidays. Tasks which I set for myself. But for the next 2 months there won't be many deadlines and quizzes to study for. A break! NY really sucked for dragging our exams, from 5 to 18 October wtf. When other schools were done we were busy preparing for the last few papers. We ended the exams when the rest collected back the papers. Oh well, what's a few more days when compared to the past few months.

As for the results, I'm really really glad that my efforts paid off! It was quite expected overall? Not 1.0 or anywhere close like those crazy shit smartass people but well. For me. To be honest it's the best exam results so far in secondary school, if my memory doesn't fail me. So yes, satisfied. I just don't like it when people are gloating about some stuff which I'm obviously not very happy. Or talking behind my back. It's none of your business so stop poking your nose around. Some people can just be so senseless and annoying.

ALRIGHT ENOUGH ABOUT SCHOOL!

There was this day I went out to buy birthday present with a friend! Got this super adorable hamster, and of course food and toys. First time buying from a pet store so I was pretty clueless. Luckily there's company. :) The hamster is named Sandwich and he loves the hamhead we got! That's so cute and thankfully the hamhead isn't a waste. I have pictures but I'm too lazy to upload from my phone, another day. Passed it to the friend on another night. Panicked for awhile because my friend wouldn't the door, turned out to be sleeping pfttt. Anyway I got to play with Sandwich, a little. Cute dinosaur (hehe) hamhead + adorable Sandwich = you can't help but smile and melt at the adorable-ness. Got to spend time with my friends too so I was really happy! Should have a sleepover someday together. (;

Oh and I'm really glad that this time the birthday present is early! I have this uhhh, reputation for belated birthday presents. I'm supposed to be ashamed but over time I just didn't care anymore oops. I like to think that give a present late is a surprise too, so it's good.

On an another day I did some errands, collected the girl guides cookies (which are really delicious, I can't stop eating them) and went to another friend's house to deliver birthday present! A month late, not thaaaat bad. House delivery too, is that the best or what? Am really proud of the card, took super long to finish it. The 'Happy Birthday' at the front is pretty hee. Couldn't help but uhhh show a few people and they said "YOU drew that?!" And gave the o.o face. My brother kept bugging me about why I didn't give him a card, I think I'll write one for him next year and make it even more amazing!

Spent some time with my friend too! Wahhh the little bugger totally read my card in my face so of course I was embarrassed and hid my face in the magazine haha! We just chilled and talked and poked fun of each other. I really do miss the old times when we practically see each other every single day and just chitchat/play/do some weird and crazy stuff. It's been so long since the last time I met my friend properly so I do hope we get to go out or just spend time together during the holidays more often. Fingers crossed we won't be too busy.

I think these are the only more significant snippets of my life so far? It has been quite uneventful I realised. Not that other people/things don't matter or aren't worth mentioning. It's just that I haven't seen these people in ages and they're pretty important. Okay scratch that, they do mean a lot to me.

Oh right I went to Bugis on Friday! Got the gifts for GCP trip, one less task on my to-do list. Ate ramen and drank KOI, was so effing full after that. I really do need to start packing for the trip oh dear, ahhhh I'm just so calm about everything it's worrying!

On the way back home from Bugis I checked my phone. I was so surprised to see the blue light flashing on my bb. For a moment I was just wondering who was it, hehe then realised that someone's SIM card is actually alright huh! So for the first time after a long while, my bb blinked the blue, green and purple light together yo.

And yesterday (Saturday) was fab! Went out for dinner with my family. For the first time we took the public transport together as we wanted to try the Circle line. Haha is that lame or what? Impromptu decision to watch 3 Musketeers at vivo with my brother, so we ended with the first row seats. At the side some more wtf. The seats were so horrible and gave me a headache even before the movie started. Thank goodness it wasn't full house so we sneaked to the last row. Only recognised Logan Lerman halfway because someone told me about him being cocky and I recalled it. The girl he liked is so pretty! Couldn't stop staring at her face whenever she came onscreen.

How I wish overseas texts are free! Someone texted me and it was a pleasant surprise. The person is super sweet and I feel super bad for not being able to reply much! Have to resort to stupid skype. EVERYONE PLEASE GO GET A BB. Haha quick come back to Singapore and I can text you like normally!

When my bro and I were waiting for the movie to start we went to drink gongcha so now I'm still super full. I've been full the whole day and it sucks, especially when I felt like puking after lunch. Need to stop eating so much and not be a lazy fatty.

This post is long, 1000 plus words I think? Oh well make up for the past 1 month. There's only a week left of school. Gonna enjoy myself during the remaining sec 3 days! Back to reading, watching videos and texting. This is life when you can just sleep in and do whatever you want. Take it easy you know xx.

2011-09-26T23:53:00.004+08:00

Reading this comprehension passage and it hits so close to home. I can't help feeling sort of depressed, helpless and apprehension all at the same time. It's so real and all I can do is watch. :'(

Life's been pretty amazing so far! Went to Starbucks last Wednesday to study. Partly productive, did a few topics of Chemistry. Had a pretty good time, and it was my first coffee after my intentional coffee break! And maybe it was just that time but I spotted many people with bb. There were two people who changed their bb housing and it's super pretty. One was entirely pink and I couldn't help but kept looking at it haha! Shall do a little bit more research after exams and see if I manage to save up enough hee. The other day I was browsing through the bb skins and some are soooo adorable/pretty. But there's all the waiting and shipping and blah. Plus! I don't even know if I can stick because my bb's back cover is uh ruffles-ish and not the smooth kind. Whatever! I'm happy with the way it is now.

Friday - I went to KFC, ate the egg tart and zinger meal. Super happy! Was supposed to discuss stuff but we finished in a few minutes and spent the rest of the time chatting. But wtf on that day had to borrow 3 Chinese books. Really mad at myself and the school because I think this is super useless! What's the use of doing books reviews when honestly it's not going to help. And some more it's in CHINESE. I'm still reading my first book and not even halfway through but I already feel so fucking sian. But arghh fine I'm not being fair in saying. Still, not 1 down and 2 more to go.

GOT MY POTTERMORE EMAIL ON SUNDAY!!! Was really excited and nearly screamed hahaha! Couldn't resist the temptation and played a few chapters, at chapter 5 now. Really going to continue after the exams and not going to touch the account AT ALL, for now. Then at the same time I'm going to read the book. Hehe can't wait.

Started the new week and new day by having McBreakfast today! Ate hotcakes and hashbrown, totally brightened up my day. Was really extremely full throughout the lessons. School was sucky though because after recess I had a massive headache. For no reason at all! Was thinking whether it was because of the tea I drank last night. But even though it was -cough- after midnight it still doesn't make sense to affect me many hours later. And I don't know if I'm thinking too much but it seems that I'm always having headaches when I drink something caffeine. Gonna try and stay off!

I know I know I've been eating a lot of junk food. What's with breakfast at McDonald's, KFC, other unhealthy food which I forgot and whatnot. Having exams isn't a good excuse at all because by right I should be all stressed up and eating less. And there shouldn't even be an excuse. But whatever! My mum keeps saying this not good and don't eat at night blahblah. But the biggest joke is she's the one saying and not doing! I'm me so I'm entitled to eat what I want fuck the rest of the world. As long as I'm a happy girl. :>

Have been a really lazy fatty ass though. Not really doing work and haven't even wrap present for my friend gosh! I'm such a lousy friend. :< Have been slacking off - playing Poptropica and Pottermore and Tumblr. I really need to find my motivation to study. This is going to be the last lap, there's less than a month left to go!

Had a nagging feeling, you know those days when you know it's someone's birthday or it's just somehow special? And I didn't know it until uhhh a few days/weeks later. Then "...oh".

Going to use less of the computer these days. Hope the weeks to come will be great and good luck x.

Dearest enemy,

you should have never trust me.

2011-09-20T22:35:00.006+08:00

I've been wanting to post/blog but every time I slack off and go to Tumblr instead. Or something along the line.

Friday was productive I guess. Finally finally started on my revision, even though it was only less than 2 chapters and I haven't moved on from there. Teaching people can be well, frustrating and you feel completely exasperated. The ice creams were worth it though. And I did feel this small sense of achievement.

Sunday was my grandmother's birthday lunch/family gathering. It was a buffet and I just ate and ate. By the end I was so full, I didn't eat for the rest of the day. I wasn't hungry for hours, seriously. It didn't go as planned unfortunately. I still enjoyed the lazy day and spending time with my cousins though! And my super adorable yet mischievous youngest cousin was showing my how to play Angry Birds. He's so much better at the game than me! It's insane how my younger cousins are so good at gadgets really.

Today's assembly got me thinking. Even more. Deception. How at times we're only just lying to ourselves. And that's the easiest, isn't it?

Once again I was hit by the truth. This world is so very real, everything's that happening. Just because you don't see/know it happening doesn't mean it's not true. Suddenly I just felt as if I've grown a bit older again.

Came across Occam's Razor and I found it very interesting. Basically it just means "The simplest explanation is most likely the correct one." In latin it's "Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate."

Recently listened to Simple Plan's newest album Get Your Heart On! I like the songs and they're brilliant. I know the band isn't the greatest band out there in terms of depth/quality etc. But I really like how their songs are so easy to relate and there are songs that can get you emo/high.

After awhile, I learnt that honestly in life there's no such thing as what we deserve. Because what's the point? Having expectations, not meeting them and getting disappointed in the end. It's not worth it. I'm not saying that you shouldn't give yourself standards, it's more of not expecting anything in return. No one's fit enough to judge and say whether someone deserves something or not. It's really hard, of course. Especially when you have worked hard and the results aren't what you expected it to be. It's just, life's much easier when you leave someone else to appreciate what you've done and not expect anything. This way, you get really pleasant surprises too. I guess part of the reason why I'm saying this that I don't deserve some friends I have, I'm an ass yet they've stuck by me and all. So for that, I'm grateful.

My family was discussing on the judgement of one's character a few weeks back. I sort of agreed with the idea of in the end who you think a person is, depends on yourself ultimately. Sure a person's actions/behaviour/speeches influence a huge part of it. But how they're interpreted it as and what motives all comes down to the thoughts of people around. Face it, other than yourself there's no one else you can completely bravely confidently say "I know everything about you". That's why we can't read each other's mind, it's a impenetrable wall. How much can you trust a person? You don't know whether a person is true to you, you won't know when he/she will betray you. If that actually happens. There are so many doubts and questions. Sure, some people can say "I have faith in a person". But can you really trust a person so much? Till whatever others say, you won't have the nagging feeling to seek the truth. Till there are nosecrets and every single thing can be told.

Maybe it's just me. I've seen with my own eyes so many cases of friends falling out. Especially great friends, best friends even, become the greatest enemies. It's not just a matter of one or two, it's a few. When this happens, I guess I just instinctively built up walls to protect myself. I can't stand the idea of the people you're closest to actually hurting, betraying and eventually hating you. It's not something that you can recover from in days. It can get better in weeks or months, however it'll be a scar no matter what. Truthfully the uh, theory does hold some sense. It's not surprise that everyone has secrets that few or no one knows. The darkest and deepest ones most probably will never be spoken about. How is that trusting someone then? I think that's why I always calculate the risk in my head whenever I tell things that few should know. How much damage will it be if the person says it to others. It's horrible of me, but I can't help it. It's a... self-defense in a weird distorted way I guess.

Right I digressed. Whether a person is good or bad, it's entirely on your own judgement. How you see and think of one's action. And also whether you see all those little small subtle things. So a good judgement of character can be a blessing and it's sort of a skill.

Have to wrap presents, write card, draw mindmap and finish up IH sbq practice by tonight. Sounds a little crazy I know. Oh and also study for tomorrow's Physics quiz. Life is so brilliant right now.

p.s. As a passerby, I have no rights to say anything. I just wish things were back to normal and how it was. It's so incredibly... awkward I would say. As for me, I have no idea what to say or how to act.

So many times I wish and wish you have the fucking courage to tell me what's up with this right now. And you know, tell the truth. Perhaps, to keep your fucking promises too.

2011-09-15T21:13:00.001+08:00

Yesterday and today were rainy days! I like, my favourite weather. It's so sleepy and there's this really comfortable feeling. I hope it rains again tonight so I'll have a good sleep.

Another evidence that my body clock is screwed - I fell asleep at 8 plus last night. So I slept all the way from 8 to 6. A whole 10 hours that's insane. But since I didn't feel sleepy at all during lessons today, I guess it's a good thing. I will uhhhh make a more conscious effort to to sleep more.

Forgot to write about this in my previous post! Anyway, I like it when I make people happy. Not in the sense that I live to do that. But it's nice when I do little things and people appreciate it. To be honest, I never had someone who text me who said 'thank you' before. And I think it's really really sweet.

Realised how these few days I've been texting different people, not the usual ones. It's a good change! Just feel kind of weird when in the past it's those few colour lights blinking. And now it's just the normal red.

Perhaps to others it's a good thing. But I kind of dislike the change in me. An irony really, since it was my own fault. It's just.... I think it's pretty predictable that it will happen one day, sooner or later. I miss the old days when I don't give a shit about it. Now my mind's filled up with all these. And you know what's the worse thing? It's a vicious cycle. You won't know it until you're so deep into it, whatever you're doing becomes more of a subconscious action already. And because it's a vicious cycle, you can't do anything except sink even deeper.

Yes, you're worth it. Everything I did.

But fuck this. Being in control feels so good.

"You shouldn't have to become somebody else other than yourself to impress the ones you love. Because they should love you regardless."

family duty honour.

2011-09-14T07:41:00.000+08:00

I GOT MY POTTETMORE EMAIL!!!

Super happy hehe, now I'm convinced that they don't have something against me or something like that. But in a way I'm also unlucky. I created 3 accounts and those 2 that have received the Welcome email already are the not-so-nice username ones. I don't mind waiting though. Planning to play while reading the book, it'll be so cool gosh!

The first and second days of school were great! Even though there's the urgh-i-don't-wanna-come feeling. The teachers were nuts on the first day, had zuo wen, physics practical and some math questions. Due the NEXT DAY, on top of my ever piling homework. Still, I managed to finish the zuo wen in school yesterday! Record.

For socratic seminar (that's this week) i
we're going on poems. While annotating I'm just o.o wahhh impressed. It's maddening how people can write so well!

Oh and just saying, I have the sweetest friends ever who say the nicest things.

My sleep hours/bed time is so insane. One day I sleep at 4am and the next 11pm. My body clock is screwed. But whatever! Why live life in a routine, it should be unpredictable.

Wednesday, it's going to be a great day!

My friend who I text in class with dropped the phone into water. It's been days already. Now I'm super bored in class because I have no other who text in class. All guai kias!

Yay another friend got a bb. Super love my phone.

It think it rained in the early morning, now there's the sleepy feeling. Too bad there's school. Have a great day x.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

2011-09-09T23:45:00.002+08:00

I'm currently sitting by the poolside and typing this on the phone. I hope this works and the post wouldn't suddenly go missing or something.

Yesterday went out with friend impromptu. Walked around orchard to grab stuff. I didn't get anything but I bought Once Upon A Milkshake! Cookies and cream, yums.

Today was out at up and awake at 8ish, can you believe it? Went to collect my new passport, my third one already craziness! Ate KFC am breakfast hehe. Then just walked around, buying mooncakes and stuff. It was spent with my parents, how rare it is right since it's a weekday.

At night I went down to play with my friend and her brother. Hehe he's super cute! Small boy. We were playing with the sparklers and uh burning stuff oops. Playing with fire hee. The candles were really super pretty! My hair absolutely stinks now though. FUN!

Was chatting with a friend and complaining/ranting about procrastinating habits. I've been a really horrible person, daydreaming while others are working their asses off. Spent these few days reading. Finished a 20 long chapters fanfic in a day. Reread princess diaries last book this whole afternoon. On a side note, the guys are super sweet! And I just adore those jealous moments.

Just found out about the insane calories those Starbucks drinks/food have. 190 (if I remember correctly) for a tall caramel frappe without whipped cream! 380 for a chocolate chunk cookie, or known as the oh-so-sinful monster cookie that I really love. Was trying my best not to curse but my head kept going 'fuck!' Can't help it though. Texted people right away, arghh still feel like screaming that at everyone. I think people think I'm nuts. But as someone agrees with me, "that's absolutely insane."

Alright I better be going home soon. Said I'll try to get my part of an assignment done by midnight but I'll still not working on it. I have to quickly finish it up and the rest.

My bb's led light has been blinking away. Which reminds me of how slow I' ve been in replying! I'm a horrible person. Oh well, let's just say that fanfics are irresistible. The idea of just lying in bed with a book/fanfic (that's downloaded into my phone/iPod) and the stereo on, not caring about anything, is just way too tempting. I wouldn't be surprised if I waste my whole december holidays away like that really.

Have a great remaining holidays x.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

2011-09-07T23:49:00.006+08:00

My bb is blinking green, blue and purple light now. So pretty.

Holiday has been pretty great so far! Went to school on Monday for 2 whole freaking hours of Math. It passed surprisingly fast, but by the end of it my head was throbbing like nobody's business. Went to friend's house afterwards and finished one whole pack of chips hurray. Sounds really horrifying but arghh it's so damn tempting.

Yesterday was the best! Had a smurfing great time. ;) Went out with friends, or should I say sneaked out. My mum was so mad at me for watching movie so many countless times, or so she says. Anyway, watched Smurfs. It's one of those adorable, dorky, funny and yet meaningful movies that make you go aww. And I have to admit, I'm won over by these blue people! Then we entered Art Box and I spent a bomb over there. Picked up presents for people, and none for myself. I think it's sorta become a tradition for myself to get gifts from Art Box, I'm forever getting stuff from there. But oh well, they're pretty. And something I've never noticed, the larger notebooks are actually cheaper than the smaller ones. I always go straight for the small ones because I thought they don't price as much. But hmm I not know better than that. Did a little personality test, I'm an owl! The description is actually quite accurate, it makes you go .___. wow.

I spent last night writing/designing birthday cards. Look at these! Aren't you amazed. Just the 'happy birthday' along took hours. Credits to dafont.com , I drew it according to one of the fonts. When I was done my hand was actually aching and my back just hurt. I am quite pleased with it though! Have never spent so much effort on someone's card before, I quite like the feeling of pride regarding my work. Normally I would just write something or buy it. I tend to splurge on cute birthday cards, mostly from Art Box again.

When it was finished outlined. It already looked really good and at that point I was contemplating whether to colour or not.

Final product x 2! Ugly black box at the side because I have no choice. I really like the gothic fonts.

Today was just a chill and lazy day, spent it at home. Slept in till noon, what a joy when there's no alarm. Packed my room a little, cleared some junk and wrapped some presents. Went down for a swim in the evening, saw someone! It's been years since I last swam so it's was refreshing. The moment of not thinking at all, not caring what's going on and absolutely not bothering. And my friend's reaction made me laugh. "Wait... you went swimming...?!"

Watched the Let's Talk 9PM show! So happy there's a second season. Haha I was so excited about it I texted my friend!

Saw something that kind of made me think. And felt a little sad about it. It's so strange how a few months can change things so much. Sometimes I just want to scream at you that it's not fair. But I guess it's my fault too.

The past posts have been talking about my life and not all those cryptic shit. I think it's kind of nice. I do need memories to look back at. Actual factual ones that don't keep me guessing. Life's been a whirlwind so far, less so these days. I feel more uh emotionally stable. I'm probably just so afraid that I'll slip again and lose myself. So I'm doing everything I can to get connected to what's happening and anchored in a way. And get all the moments that make me smile/happy committed into my memory. Just realised how much less I'm sharing nowadays. On Twitter, Facebook, over here etc. Even with my family. It's as if those times spent are little secrets between the people, not for others to know.

Someone new?

Tug at the heartstrings.

2011-09-04T00:30:00.003+08:00

(This post is written after midnight. So by 'today' I actually mean yesterday.)

I finally finished and submitted my Bio practical pig's heart dissection! 2 weeks overdue. Haha it's a record for a non-Chinese homework. Am proud of myself.

"If that ring is actually on your other hand, I'm going have to ask who your fiancé is." My friend is super adorable.

Went to watch Wishworks concert! Great experience, it's fun to watch your friends perform. And well, informal concerts are just entirely different from formal concerts. Glad that The Pretty Reckless is sort of gaining recognition too. Ate supper after that, cheesy shaker fries yum. Oh and just saying, I think my paranoia is valid.

Arghh so unfair I want my Pottermore welcome email now! Someone gotten the email already. :/

Was told some new info/gossip/news. Even though it's been months, it's still ohmygoshhh. Shocker! O:

Someone's going to get a new phone tomorrow! Blackberry most probably. Hahaha I'm super excited even though it's not me! I think I haven't said it here before. I got a bb! Slightly less than a month before. It's super hard to find a decent cover/case that I like for a Torch though. But no regrets. I'm texting so much more than before because it's fun.

Oh and the Michael Pedicone scandal was real huge today. TT for a few hours. Wish the other memebers aren't mad anymore. I really hope that My Chemical Romance will get a new drummer who stays with them as a family till the end, too many drummers changed already. Fingers crossed x.

2011-09-01T23:29:00.005+08:00

Hello September!

Just finished reading an one-shot fanfic and its sequel. The guy is so sweet I'm just arghhh why isn't he real. I hate how guys in those fluff are so sweet and sexy and nice. Yeah you get what I mean.

Have one of those nervous feelings again. The heart beating really fast moment. My mind's everywhere. This has to stop damn it.

Concert was brilliant! Not as smooth as it could have been due to technical glitch though. It was pretty fun! Haha it was like catching up with 209 people. And kept saying, "Oh shit he's so freaking sweet." over and over again due to quotes a certain killjoy kept showing me.

Went back to primary school. Everything looks so miniature it's a wonder how it looked so normal back then. After that I went out! Ate Udders hehe. I love their ice cream and the unconventional flavours.

I realised that I'm someone who honours my words haha! Had 2 other options - crashing someone's house or watching Glee 3D. That seems to be the hype so far! I like impromptu plans so much it was tempting. Let's just say I like spending time with different people too.

It's scary how things can change so fast and without you knowing. Just give it a little and poof, whatever you/we had is gone. Everything that's been happening has been replaying in my head, as if doing that can solve whatever unspoken issue we have between us. I keep telling myself you're worth it. It's just... I seem to have a little trouble believing in it myself.

I've done this before. Just letting go, don't keep thinking about it.

At times, I really wish I have magical powers so I can just oblivate myself.

This is going to sound really egoistic but I honestly think I'm quite sensible. At first I said no to a concert and now I'm saying no to watch Glee 3D, on another day not the one today. Not because I don't want to go, who in the right mind would do that, but because I don't think it's right. In the sense that I've been going out a little too much. Of course, my mum did complain about that before. Hey I didn't even ask my parents if I could go or not! Have a few plans for next week though, since it's September holidays.

I'm actually quite excited about this month! I can imagine study dates at Starbucks/sogurt/some eating place/library. This gives me excuse to spend money on food and well, I just like the library in general. And study dates are great bonding time so yeah. Haha I must be nuts.

Just a random observation when I was at Starbucks yesterday. It seems to me that many of the people who go there are Mac users. Every time I go there, there will be a few people using MacBooks. Is it just a coincidence? Hmm.

Just realised how it's the same no matter where you go. Politics. In class, in workplace, in the society. And it's pretty fun to watch as a passerby.

Happy teachers' day all. I'm happy because it's a holiday tomorrow. Time to sleep in x.

2011-08-31T01:12:00.003+08:00

I think I'm going to be murdered for saying this but. I think guys with tattoos are cool hahaha! Was going to say turn on , it doesn't sound right though. I want to get one when I'm older, probably at my wrist. A small one of course! I'm scared it'll be really painful. O: Haha what a random thought. Was just browsing someone's twitter and saw the person has tattoo! And another person has tongue piercing, I forgot who. I like too!

It's funny how the society is pretty much against piercings/tattoos. And my parents too, I guess. But I think it's cool/I like it. What a rebellious kid I am. But I don't get what's wrong with it! Isn't it another form of expression? I know most people actually have a reason for all these. To me it's just another way of showing who you are.

Today was a great day! Went to some dim sum place for brunch. The food is real good, yums. I really really liked the yam tart, crispy crust and the filling is delish. After that I went to friend's house to do work. Not so productive but still managed to get something done, at least. I love spending time with family and friends. It's so enjoyable and relaxed. I don't need to try to be someone or work hard to do something. Just do whatever I like.

Feeling so super duper uber lazy right now. I need to start pushing myself harder and get my motivation. My mind's floating about these days too. I keep checking my mail for Pottermore welcome email. Why doesn't it send the email to me already! It's so annoying because I keep seeing people brewing potions, taking the sorting hat/wand test etc. And here I am, still waiting for my mail. On a side note, holiday is great because I'm slacking and I think I'm pretty well-rested.

Lazy week ahead x.

2011-08-30T01:29:00.001+08:00

Is it possible to owe someone emotionally?

I've been such a bitch lately. To my friends, classmate, everyone. Snappy, rude, pissing everyone off. And I'm sorry.

I greatly dislike long weekends. Holidays are there for me to slack it off when there are just so many things to do. I can never be productive with a deadline that's nearing or a drive to motivate. It gets meaningless and life becomes mundane. I'm just so lazy.

I was reading my old posts on Tumblr and looking through the new ones. It's only been say, a year or so but there's a huge difference. I don't know if it's only noticeable by me, to me it's just there. In the past I was always talking about how I felt. It's always the sad stuff, like how I miss someone or being invisible or this regret that sort of things. But now... I don't really know what it is. Just a jumbled up mess and abstract stuff. Fickle mind I have.

I realised that throughout the months I refused and didn't allow myself to say any of those emo shit. I kept telling myself that I'm stronger than this. I won't miss anyone or regret about anything, because what't the point you can't reverse any damage.

The reason for this change is pretty simple though. Just don't get emotionally attached. I sound really heartless but it's the truth.

At times, I really wish for a friend who wouldn't mind silence when being with me. I want someone to accompany me in Starbucks, each reading a book and just spending time without talking. Sitting in one of those oversized comfy big chair, with a book in hand and a cup of coffee. The fact that few people would be comfortable when talking for hours makes such a person so rare.

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person."

2011-08-25T21:05:00.002+08:00

After this week I'll most probably be free. What's with all the SIAs that need to be handed up/presented. This week was filled with presentations and reports and quizzes and SPA and assignments. Officially the most hectic week this year.

Everyone, stay alive.

We'll make it through this.

I miss coffee and starbucks and ice cream and all those indulgences. It's just that so many people's birthdays are coming. It's not just birthday but birthdays of important people. Those who mean quite a lot to me. So, presents.

I need some alone and me time. Really soon. Read some book and daze around. I need to recharge.

Okay back to work. My to-do list everyday is so unbelievably long that it almost beat what I have for June holidays when combined. Wish my luck. Have a great day/week/s ahead x.

Hold on, don't let go.

I'll be with you till the end.

2011-08-22T23:30:00.002+08:00

I honestly need to stop thinking that dealing with my parents is like doing a business. How talking to them about money is convincing them to invest it in you, how persuading them to do something your way is like trying to seal a business deal.

On a side note, it's such an irony that as I grow older I have better tolerance. Yet, I seem to be dislike people so easily. The little things that people do that will get on my nerves, how just one sentence can be a trigger or even one small action. I think you start to notice more things, especially the little details. And that's how you become so aware of the bad side of people.

I remember when I was young I didn't believe how there's a reason for everything. Things were black and white and just that. What others do, it's either right or wrong. You only see it on the surface level. Then as I grew up, I started to realise that there's also the grey. Because everything isn't as simple as it seems. What people say and do, every single word and action is motivated by something. Yes people still judge you by whether what you do is right or wrong. But subconsciously or not, people will still attempt to justify one's action. Even though the hard truth is that people normally think in the negative manner. It makes things much easier.

Today was a fucked up day. I felt so horribly shitty that it couldn't have gotten any worse. It's the tense feelings, again. Had a cranky mood the whole day, I think I pissed some people off. Or rather, scared someone. Starbucks saved the day though! Feeling much better and awake.

I'm feeling all the insecurity coming back. All the negative thought of myself. I don't know how long I can last. It's just, I'm trying really. But I always feel like it's not enough, you know? Now I'm starting to dread everything in life. People, work, books. And school - what's new. All the I-hate-life thoughts and depression are coming back. I don't even know what happened I really did my best to make sure everything's right and proper. I'm so scared, so afraid, that I'll fall back to that hole and never be able to crawl out again. I'm so sick of the past and everything I've done. I don't wanna live through it again. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm just. So exhausted. I wish so much for time to just pause for a moment and let me truly enjoy life. Like hey I'm a teen I'm supposed to be having fun! But oh no because I'm in this goddamn school there's no such thing.

Just a random thought. The scariest people in the world are actually those who are able to know what you're thinking and can persuade you to do something, usually in the favour. They are the manipulators, and are not afraid to do so.

Something very slytherin of me - I tell so many half-truths. Over the years, I've told so many of half-truths to many different people. To some people I know, they don't regard half-truths as something bad. I don't think they entirely get what it means. It's not just telling some parts of the whole story and not the entire story. It's also phrasing your partial truth, no matter how small it is, such that it is in your favour, to your advantage. Or perhaps, twisting the fact in such a manner that it's not really the truth already.

I think the worse part of all is that I never feel guilty about any of them.

Long week ahead, please let me pull through. Goodnight x.

2011-08-20T12:30:00.002+08:00

Life's been hectic. It's been nearly 2 months since I last blogged. I miss typing.

But I've been a lazy fatty. Or as you would say, your lazy fatty.

Was reading tumblrs and blogs and my mind's whirling with thoughts. Did a little personality test. Let's just say that it's so accurate it's scary. But one little small aspect is amusing me to no end.

I'm feeling really nervous right now and I have no idea why. Like something bad is going to happen. You know those moments when your heart is beating really fast? Yeah, like that. And it's going to drive me nuts soon if it doesn't stop soon.

Anyway.

I'm becoming a paranoid bitch again. When you don't reply, I wonder if you're ignoring me. I know you won't, I just can't help my train of thoughts. Then I'm so scared you don't wish to talk to me anymore. Things between us have been spiraling downwards. And we refuse to admit. It's like knowing it's happening but not acknowledging it. When did it get to this way. But it's not the end, right?

Am I really brave enough to risk this? It's like a gamble. Things can go the good and bad way. But that's the thing, no one knows. And I'm a coward. Always have been. I'm so afraid that I'l screw it up - again. It's so much easier when you don't try. When nothing can go wrong.

Will this ever stop? Can't you see? In the end there's no winner and everyone loses. Strangling each other until suffocation. So much thoughts put into how to cut each other. Drowning in the sea of tears. So dark you can't see. We fight and fight and fight. Only to end up hurting ourselves.

I'm so good at walking away.

Don't try.

Standing on the edge of the cliff - one wrong step.

I want a proper snake ring so bad. Have been looking but nothing fits what I want. I wish there's just a shop dedicated to selling rings.

My thoughts right now are so incoherent that each of the paragraphs don't link to the ones before and after, at all.

I miss you.

2011-06-24T12:57:00.003+08:00

Watching videos of this guy playing guitar because E recommended him on the blog. And he's so good at the guitar! Hehehe awesome guy and great music.

I'M BACK! :)

From China. Was there 11 - 21 June. Amazing scenery, we went to jiu zhai gou and many other scenic places too. Food was only so-so because I can't get used to it. I went shopping and the things there are mad cheap. Happy. ^^

Kind of glad to be back. No more communist shows thank goodness. When I was over there almost every tv channel were promoting communism and whatnot. Not interesting I tell you.

Shall type out a post I wrote when I was over there and get started on work. I'm so lazy can you believe it? Haven't done anything this holiday.

On a side note, TWO MORE DAYS. It's so near I can already taste it and feel it. Fingers crossed it'll go smoothly.

It's 10:28 PM over here in China right now. On 11 June. What I am writing now most probably won't get posted till i'm back in Singapore but it's okay. I'm lying on the bed, nice comfy huge bed and I can't sleep. It's crazy and worlds apart from my normal bedtime, but yes I'm supposed to sleep now. Because I'm going to wake up at 6ish in the morning tomorrow. Because I'm supposed to be tired right now since we met at the airport at midnight today. Because tomorrow there's going to be loads of walking and walking is hell. Anyway I'm just awake and with nothing to do, it's kind of a good idea to blog/type all overdue stuff.

(Btw, China bans Blogger. And there's no wifi I can connect to in this freaking rural place.)

From 30 May to 3 June, which was uh last week, I had the Chinese speed reading class. Everyday, in the morning. It was unexpectedly quite enjoyable and memorable. I honestly thought that I was just going to stone there the whole day, since I'm the most anti social kid ever. But hey it was quite cool. I talked to people hee, and honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought. I think teenagers section is the coolest of all. Obviously. ;) and I realised that for many things, it's actually the people that make it fun. At first when it ended, I really thought that I was going to miss it. It just kind of became a routine. Seating between two people. One of the is a really really nice girl, who's freaking smart and I always feel so pressured. But being the blur me, she helped me out many things hee. ^^ And there is also the freaking rich guy or something who owns a white blackberry torch. Cool or what. O: It's nice I guess, to be around people who don't really know me. There's what I like, because well what they see me as is from what I portray when I'm around them. And talking to the guy is just..... Infuriating. In a good way that kind of makes me laugh. And it's just so different. Because when you talking to other guys/people, there are always mutual friends and somehow common topics that you know about. Right I don't know how to explain.

Hehe and other people that make the times full of laughter! The geeky guy that confuses everyone with his age. I remember this once when he had a cool app and he was showing it to someone, the rest of the people overheard, asked him a out and immediately went to the app store to download it. It was an amusing sight. The reallyyyyy quiet guy in front who doesn't talk to anyone. And his actions are just uh, funny in a way. My good good friend who makes this whole programme much more fun. ^^ The girl who keeps bullying me because I'm older grrr. That doesn't really make sense but yeah. Haha it's so fun to watch her and another guy though. They act so couple ish and it's so fun to tease. :3 And that another guy...... who really really looks like someone I know. It's scary how much he resembles the person really. And it's not only the face, but also the actions. The way he acts, talks and just well EVERYTHING. I'm always so afraid I'll call him the wrong name wtf sounds so ridiculous. There's also the girl who's the sister of the rich guy. When we first know about that we were all shocked like o.o and "Whatttt are you sure you two are siblings?!??"

And last but not least the guy who looks like he just walked out of an amine/manga. His eyes are supeeeeeer pretty. I'm like ohmygosh mad jealous seriously. Like it's not fair at all okay! Guys need pretty eyes for what. So that's pretty much the people from the class who i talked to. (Alright I didn't talk to guy-who-looked-like-he-walked-out-of-an-anime but hey adding him in doesn't hurt. Okay bloody hell I sound like a despo.) I admit, it was fun. I just don't miss it because I'm so busy this holiday I guess. Like everyday there's something that occupies my time so I don't have the effort to think about other things.

That said, I learnt a lot. And I'm glad to say that I haven't really lost the ability to talk to people. to really make friends from scratch. Sure may these friendships won't last, but it's a start.

I need to sleep. Shall blog about my fucking messed up and busy June holidays someday. Goodnight.

2011-06-01T01:51:00.004+08:00

Somehow Twitter doesn't work. Just when I want to access it from my computer. Nice, I think it doesn't like me.

Anyway, there this page called Boo on Facebook. It's of this dog AND IT'S SUPER SUPER SUPER CUTE!!! I want to kidnap it right away and keep it as my own. Sadly I don't where it stays. It has over a million likes. Shows how adorable it is.

I can't believe how someone asked me whether I like dogs and I answered him "Er okay luh." A bit stunned by the question but I MUST BE NUTS!!! Like hello dogs are so adorable and cute and JUST OKAY?! My brains must be fried Idk what I was thinking. Okay I have a new goal which is to keep a dog as my pet next time when I grow up. I know it's a big responsibility and yada yada but hey if I can clean cat poo it should be fine right? And when I have a DSLR (another goal) I shall snap many many pictures of him/her! Maybe keep a scrapbook or photobook too. Hehehe great idea.

Was reading the conversations between the uh fake draco and hermione. Dramione ftw! They're super cute and adorable and awkward and yeah everything. I wanna know a guy like the fake Draco who's sweet and sexy. Ohh hahaha reminds me of my friend and her s-line hamster. Sexy hamster, can you believe it?

26 MORE DAYS! I'm supeeeeer excited. Maybe I can meet some hot guys too yo. ;)

(Let me dream please.)

Think I'm gonna kill myself tomorrow/today for not getting enough sleep and still being awake at this time. Damn old habits dies hard. And I haven't even started on my to-do list.

Ohh let me quote the fake Draco tumblr account. "I'm so funny I may end up marrying myself." HILARIOUS!! Love reading the Dramione interactions.

Abrupt ending night all x.

2011-05-31T22:34:00.006+08:00

It scares me to no end how it's already the last day of May and tomorrow's the start of June. Like bloody hell where did all the days fly to? It's so fast I can't keep up.

So hi happy holidays. Yesterday was uhh the first official day of holidays. And guess what I think it's even more tiring than school days. Right so in the afternoon I was very very sleepy. But I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. BE JEALOUS EVERYONE YO. It's funny and wtf I want a Jack Sparrow in real life. And mermaids are so freaking beautiful it's not fair. First day of holidays = fun thank you people.

COMBINED SPORTS MEET. Long overdue. It was on 13 May, Friday the 13th BUT IT'S NOT UNLUCKY AT ALL. Not a single bit. The CSM was just fun. Watched the guy on duty trying to chase people away hahaha. RUN DAMN FAST WTF. Everyone was saying it's so wasted that he didn't join the competition lol. In the end my two deskmates (it's now ex but wtv they still rock) ran the furthest. ;) Drank two cups of milo only, what a waste waste. Went to eat lunch with 209 after that super awesome thank you everyone love you all had such a great time. Though half of the table was talking politics and you know i'm like a politics-retard so yeah. And I don't bloody care. Then some of us went to watch Thor. Then ate Awefully Chocolate ice cream (HEEHEE) and dinner with the remaining people. It was just fun and I sound like a nerd because it's something so simple but hello before that it was just work work and work and life was so fucked up and tiring. Anyway I miss all my lovelies sigh. Much love. ♥

My life is so sad I only watched two movie and I'm already happy.

Sabbaticals week was supposed to be slack week. But oh hell it's all a deception and exactly the opposite of that. Anyway, my sabbacts were Muay Thai and stained glass. It was supposed to be cheerleading instead of stained glass but like look at me, I'm a fat ass and I think I will just topple down the pyramid or something. (I DID NOT choose it btw) Heard stories of how it's super fun but stained glass was still cool. I got to cut the glass and did a design of my own (super gorgeous btw) so it's all worth it. Mad tired because the process was just tedious. All the cutting and getting it right plus making sure it doesn't break into pieces. Grinding the different pieces for HOURS and get so mad cause it just doesn't fit. But I'm super proud of my work and I keep showing it off like so shameless person. Muay Thai was cool. I'm just not a martial arts person.

Okay I think I'm done writing the more significant events of my life. I'm fucking exhausted everyday because there are so many things to do. It's the holidays good gracious me why don't we get a break. I'm like plomp on the bed and immediately fall asleep. Wanted to do a post on SHINee third anniversary (25 May) but... I forgot why I didn't. I think it was because I was so tired I just fell asleep (AGAIN) or there was work to do. Either way, I still love those 5 dorky adorable talented boys/guys and shawol all the way. :)

My friend is the cutest ever. (Yeah panda it's you) Today i was texting her, okay fine I text her everyday. But anyway, today she was saying how her hamster has a s-line body. HAHAHA MAD CUTE OR WHAT? First time I hear someone says a hamster has s-line body. I kept saying how it's not true and her hamster is just a puff ball. O shape body. I mean that's correct isn't it?! Normally hamsters just curl up and they become a lump of fur. Alright random but little moments like this really makes me smile and laugh.

Gotta face reality and get started on my to-do list and plan for June. Plus think of what to wear tomorrow. I wish I have a stylist then I don't need to use my brains and choose my clothes when I go out. Goodbye gonna end off with a quote from somewhere. Idk where. But I just really like it and it makes me laugh.

"I'm a whore but I'll never be yours."

ps. I really dislike Taylor Momsen in the 'Just Tonight' music video by The Pretty Reckless. I mean yeah I can don't watch it. But I like the song and I just watched the mv. She just doesn't look gorgeous enough and come on she's wasting her beauty. She looks like a slut with the red dress and that make up. I know right now her style is the really thick make up but in this mv it just looks horrible. Her skin is too pale and she looks super super dead and her eyes have no life. Fine maybe it's the concept of it. I just really really don't like her looking like a slut with that red dress. Just my opinion. I still like the song.

2011-05-19T01:39:00.005+08:00

This is going to be depressed/fucked up post with absolutely no content. You have been warned.

I have so many other things I can write about, like Combined Sports Meet. (Which is pure awesome, by the way.) But no. It's 1:40 AM right now, I'm not getting work done. And thing are just going so well.

Right it's not anyone's fault. I brought it all to myself, being such a lazy ass and everything. It's just, I haven't been feeling very happy lately. Not upset, not sad. But more like angry. Yeah sounds weird but I'm just forever having this grrr mood.

For example, I think most people don't know but I'm just feeling very annoyed at people deep down. They haven't done anything wrong actually, not exactly. I mean, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY! It's driving me nuts too because well, I always think I'm someone with a pretty good temper. And people have told me so. So when people does NOTHING, and I still get mad at them, I become even more irritated.

I think, it's because of everything that's adding up. What's with all the SIAs, practicals and homework. Just EVERYTHING. The past 2 weeks have been insanely busy. Every single day there are bound to be things due. Not one, or two, but a few. Like how today/yesterday there was Chinese comprehension, Physics practical, Chemistry practical and math. Oh just kill me. And the people and yeah you get the drift.

My friendships with everyone is just... plain screwed up. Like what the shit? Some people really treat me like a toy. Oh you're bored I'm nice okay then you talk to me. Other times, you treat me like transparent. Bloody pissed off. Fine fine I have been neglecting people too. And the rest of the world was having exams. Which have ended already. (Hooray! For you.) And some, very few but I can just name one person right now......... I'm just. I don't know what to say. Like fuck I didn't even do anything wrong, you like just suddenly changed your bloody attitude. And okay maybe hmm I'm so insignificant now. So yeah you don't bother to tell me stuff.

If so, I'm done. I regret for being so stupid and I'm so sorry for expecting. It's just so typical of you, you know? Forever forgetting your promises. And only when you want something, you come and find me. And oh we're friends and you're being nice again.

On another note, just realised how you may have changed school. Everything just clicks. And I'm bloody scared. It's just.... WHAT THE HELL?! Like who would have thought of that. Fucking unexpected okay.

Everything's piling up. Rahhh. I need better time management. And anger management. Anyway, maybe, just maybe, my horrid temper is due to the lack of sleep. Been surviving on er naps (hehe) and coffee to keep me awake. Lots and lots of coffee.

Lots of things to say. But sadly blogging isn't one of my er priorities right now. Needed to get my thoughts off. Goodbye.

Fingers crossed, please let me get past this week.

在梦里面突然发现
快要忘记你的脸

2011-05-02T23:06:00.005+08:00

/edit

Okay so I went to look at my old posts and all, and realised that my latest er resolve was actually months. Months. Wow I really never thought it'll be that quick. Let's just say that I'm proud of myself.

It's incredibly crazy how time past so fast. And I just kind of well, grown up. So yeah. Let go. Already. And...

Goodbye.

end edit/

It's May already. But that's not the point of this post.

It just kind of hit me that well, a day has passed. No not oh I didn't do anything today and it just passed! that kind of day. But a significant-ish kind of day passed. And I kind of didn't noticed it until today. Which lead to me digging out my archives to to find out exactly which day it was.

So, more than a year has passed.

I think it's kind of like a milestone somehow, seriously. For once, I didn't remember it nor miss you. Thank goodness. So many things have happened, so many lessons learnt. People have walked in and out of my life and somehow I realised maybe you're not that important to me anymore. I grew up, I understood things and as days passed I thought less of you.

A year ago, I was still missing you. Waiting for you like a freak, hoping, wishing and upset about how I just let you slip by. In short, full of regrets. The only thing I wanted was just to see you again, maybe to talk to you and for sure, to say goodbye. I hated you, too, for the person you were. For being part of the reason I'm the kind of person I am today. For ruining everything I had.

But here I am today, forgetting how you look like. No longer missing you. Knowing how regrets are only regrets and I can't change how it is right now. No longer waiting, no longer hoping. Just neutral feelings. Memories of you are so faint, I can't really remember them anymore. It's scary really, how things can change.

Looking back, honestly, I want to laugh. I mean, the person I was, it's kind of cute. Okay I don't know to describe so yeah. I mean, reading all the blog posts and diary entries about you, I can't help but smile and laugh! Hahaha seriously. I think it's because you don't mean that much to me anymore. And whatever I wrote, I sounded like some crazy lovesick fool I swear. But alright it's nothing like that.

Whatever I went through, it's sort of like a learning experience. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. Because it was hell and still is. But I guess, things are kind of alright right now. I'm still not perfect, I still have a thousand and two issues with myself. But hey, at least I'm trying. And things are getting better. No more rollercoaster ride. No more unstable emotions. No more pessimism and whatnot.

So over here, I'm glad to say that after a thousand or so days, this is a chapter closed. Healed, moved on, over you.

And honestly? Thank you. It's only because of you things went downhill. And only because of that, I could find myself back after so long. So yeah, thanks for the memories and everything. If there's ever be a chance, I would still want to say goodbye.

All this sudden realisation, it somewhat feels like liberation. I have never thought it'll be possible. Whee joy. No more emo posts because of you.

2011-04-23T01:30:00.005+08:00

#53.

It was a long journey, filled with so many doubts and wondering if we could ever make it. But we never gave up, we kept moving on and heading for that one direction. There were so many setbacks but we continued on with determination. It was full of tears and smiles and frowns and to sum it up, it was a rollercoaster ride.

However crazy it was, it was all worth it. Those months of practices, sectionals, lunch pracs and stay-till-late-at-night. Not sleeping in on Saturdays, more than half of the life revolving around CCA and just all the sacrifices. In fact, I think I'm going to miss it.

That ~20 minutes on the stage when we played with music that will touch the audience's hearts. We enjoyed ourselves and treasured every moment. Because we all know that it's going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity and a chance that's similar won't present itself again. And the nervousness when the results were being announced. It was a long wait since all the schools were being read out at once, and we were the 53rd school a.k.a. last fourth. Nevertheless, we waited and we cheered. Many times. All the hurrays and joys and all the smiles. Happy hugs and just pure ecstasy. It wasn't one of those feelings you will get everyday. It was just so very special.

Thank you to everyone who cheered us on, gave us support, wished us 'good luck' and congratulated us. It's sweet, nice and just bring smiles to me.

And the title, we deserved it. This may be a chapter closed, it's not the end. There's still FOA and Sydney trip, which I'm so looking forward to it. There are going to be more obstacles for us to overcome but I know it's gonna be worth every minute, every second.

Another day etched in my heart.

21 April. SYF'11. Gold with Honours. NYCO I love you. ♥

2011-03-22T21:10:00.005+08:00

This post is a completely random and full of nonsense.

So, crazy as it may sound, I miss having a crush.

No wait, not because I'm some dreamy little girl who thinks love is everything or whatsoever. It's just.. the thrill. The little joy you get because he notices you, the crazy stuff you do like uh waiting for him to talk to you that takes foreverrrrr or uh yeah you get the idea.

The last time I had a crush was long long long time ago. That was like eons ago I swear. It's funny how every time someone asks me who my crush is and whenever I reply I don't have one, they always say "DON'T LIE!". I can never understand some people, if you don't believe then what's the point of asking me?!

Okay honestly, I think I just miss caring about someone or something. To me nothing really matters anymore. Psilovequotes has a tweet that goes like this “The less you care, the happier you are, because your happiness lies in your own hands. #psilq”.

And contrary to it, the moment I stopped caring it’s when I stopped being happy. I think it’s because everything that happens has lost its significance already. So even say, someone does something good for me, I won’t be happy or whatsoever just because I don’t care anymore.

Right so, having a crush means even the shortest text from him will make you smile. I miss that you know? When the world didn’t look so dark and gloomy and it was still a happy place.

I'll probably take back everything I've said when some random guy comes by and I fall for the person. Then something happens and I end up being sad and grumpy. But till then, just take it that I've gone completely nuts. And I think I am.

Whatever. I just want my emotions back.

& happy birthday to you. ♥

2011-03-15T23:46:00.002+08:00

I just need a place to rant. May be taking this post down someday I need it for something much more significant. Anyway.

You may not know it, but that's my greatest fear. Saying you trust me. I wish so much you wouldn't do that, I wanna tell you how I'm not worth it. Someone like me isn't worth your trust. I know you could have just said it and not meant it, but still at that moment it felt like the walls I've been building just collapsed. I wish so much that an apology can make all my mistakes disappear. I wish saying sorry can make everything alright, but hey it's never going to go back the way it was isn't it. I messed up, I missed my opportunities. But you were always there, never ever giving me up. Oh bloody hell. Just tell me how I can change everything back to what we had. Though, no promises.

To be honest.... I feel like shit. The world's horrible. Haven't been feeling well at all. It's as if I'm going to fall sick any moment. And I feel like I'm just a puppet controlled by another person. Walking zombie. Oh scratch that, I haven't been feeling anything at all. You know, it's like being numb? And not caring about anything. Dammit I'm just falling back to my old ways.

My life's bloody boring. I need a break, I need to have fun. I need to stop distancing myself from everyone and running away.

p.s. I'm so bloody incoherent nowadays it's pissing. I'm sorry if you have to handle me like this.

2011-02-21T00:48:00.002+08:00

I don't understand. How some people can write so sophisticatedly, some can write lyrics that are so deep and profound yet beautiful, or why there are people who can write so well and others can't. Others like me. Honestly I hate how I can't write at all. And it really upsets me greatly.

Okay, with more practice I will be better.

What a smart ass I am. I went to my drafts, copied the content from one of my draft and wanted to continue writing. Then I deleted the draft. So instead of coming back to this post and pasting the content, I went to read my other old posts. And copied an old 'quote', completely forgotten about my draft. When I came back here, I remembered how I was supposed to write about my draft instead. But it's forever lost. Stupid me.

Maybe I'll come back and edit this post after I remembered the content. But for now,

Waiting Trying Failing Dying

2011-02-20T00:56:00.005+08:00

Hi world.

In a surprisingly good mood at the moment. So I better take the chance to rant about things and get my thoughts organised before I start swearing and cursing and everything falls back into the negative light. Right.

I swear, I'm totally clueless as to what I should do now. It's like I have two paths ahead of me right now. Once is to ignore everything I saw and pretend I don't know anything. The other is to tell you. And watch your reaction. I have no idea what you will do or feel or say. I acted out so many scenarios in my head till I feel hopeless about the situation. I think you need to know, but I don't want you to get hurt. Then again, I don't want you to not know what's going on. I rather think even if you do get hurt from knowing the truth at least we can do some damage control before things get out of hand.

Classic example of not knowing whether to tell the truth that hurts, or to lie. What's worse is I want to have a second opinion of this. Yet I have no one to turn to. No one can give me trust-able advice unless they know everything that had happened. And the people who know, will just give me their biased point of view. And honestly I can't trust anyone of them, not anymore.

Just gonna go with my gut feeling and do what I think is right. I think, we can handle it. As for you, seriously? Grow up. You hurt so many people and you don't even know it. Even if you do, you sure act as though you don't care. And because you've hurt so many people, that's the reason why many are wary of you. And a word of advice, the world's watching.

Why isn't earth filled with wonderful people, rainbows and sunshine and genuine smiles and laughters? Oh no it just has to have so many people with screwed up personality. Who think they're right and go on to judge a person. Who's a HYPOCRITE. Who think that the whole world revolves around them and just have to go their way. You know what? I'm so sick. I've been living this kind of life for like, at least 3 years. And just when I thought I could say goodbye, drama comes and find me again. Bloody hell. I wish I can migrate now and get away from people like these.

Suddenly insecurity hits me, again. And I don't know who are real and who are fake anymore. I think, soon, I have to make my stand. I'm not even sure if I'm going to have any ally. This time, I probably won't even have a chance to be neutral. Scratch this. I can't even trust anyone now, everyone have given me so many reasons that they're not worth it. And it's way too scary to think that your friend can be your enemy any second.

Oh well, your enemy's enemy is your friend. I'll keep that in mind.

Been talking to a friend lately. I really treasure those moments because I always feel at peace, which is really rare. It's nice you know, to have someone to talk to without much restriction. To know that someone's still there even when reality's a chaos. And most importantly, to have a friend who's not plotting your downfall or someone's downfall every second.

Oh and of course to have a friend who isn't using me. I never really understood why I'm so bad at making and keep friends, but now I guess I do. I need to find someone/something to let me know there's still hope.

The world needs to be a more beautiful place.

Funny how things can change in few weeks.

2011-02-02T04:48:00.002+08:00

Haha this is an insane time to blog. 4:49AM and no one has really chased me to sleep. Yet.

Anyway, i'm really glad I didn't just jump to conclusion this time. I guess well I did think about it, but thank goodness i didn't just make up my mind and all. Well not like it would do me any good. Still, I believe I have the reason to get mad at you. But oh well.

Hahah I'm really in a good mood now. Talked to the phone with my friend and finishing my LA essay really helps. And knowing that I'm staying up with someone makes me really happy too heh. Aww awesome. I never really thought they'll still be someone awake when it's near 5AM. :)

I need more nocturnal friends! I realised how over the years I have this small bunch of friends that I can talk to at night and all. It's really nice when everyone else is sleeping and there's still someone to talk to heh. All the late-night conversations never fail to cheer me up.

Okay I'm really in this unbelievably good mood hahaha. I blame it on the fact that today is a day with no lessons. -attempts to forget about all the overdue homework at the moment-

The world feels so safe now it's strange. Okay goodbye I shall go lie in bed for an hour and pretend I slept.

2011-02-01T00:34:00.004+08:00

It's 12:34AM right now. No kidding. Hehe cool or what :B

It feels kind of late, yet kind of early. And I contradict myself.

I'm too lazy to go to bed and fall asleep. I'm also too lazy to do more work.

Right. I shall start on the 10 day challenge. Was contemplating between the 10 day or 30 letters one which I saved somewhere else, but decided to start small first. Since I have an extremely lousy sense of commitment. Have been wanting to do something like since I saw it in tumblrs/blogs. Okay here goes.

10 DAY CHALLENGE

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Thank you for tolerating all my nonsense. After all this time, I noticed how much you know about me, the little details and my preferences hah. I've got to admit, you have amazing memory. Though in this case it's not really put into good use. Thank you for trusting me and being such a great person to talk to. Somehow I always feel safe, and you never fail to make me feel better. With your comforting words and encouragements. They're always something I can count on whenever or wherever, even though at times they may seem a little unreal. And remember, people will love you for being the person you are. Even your flaws.

It's been a long time since I last talked to you. Too long. I don't know when or how this started, but I still want to talk to you. Really. I want to make up for the time lost, for the stupid fights we had. I want to learn how to be sincere and give something. I want to learn to start appreciating you. I took things for granted, thinking that we still had time. But we didn't. And now everything we have left seems so small and insignificant.

You always have this ability to make it seem as if we're closer than what we actually are. And it sucks. Whatever we have left, please make it seem you're putting in effort. Because my trust and faith in you is already little enough.

It's because of you, I lost hope in people. Have such major trust issues now. Keep things to myself. To me it seems, after I met you and stopped caring about things, everything started going downhill. And still is.

I miss our conversations we used to have. But now you don't even bother talking to me anymore. It's been awhile. Have I done something wrong?

Thank you for always being there, supporting me. And not judging me, no matter what I said or did. I always have the best time together with you, and you never fail to make me smile or laugh. Thank you for staying up with me through so many nights, and all your texts and calls. To say I'm not afraid to lose you is a lie, somehow you've grown to be so important in my life. I'm sorry for not being the greatest friend and in fact always neglecting people around me, but I want to let you know I care. I really do. I'll try my best to be there for you too, though I'm sure I can never be as good as you. Your presence is ever so comforting, as with your words. And thank you for not letting me go. For believing in me. For giving me so many chances. For being you.

Have you always been like that or have you changed? Because now your words are so sickening and your actions make me wanna slap you in the face.

I'm sorry for being such a horrible friend. I promise to try harder. If you ever give me a chance.

So many words left unsaid. So many dreams down the drain. So many memories washed away. It's way too late now. I don't think we can find back the us we once were.

10.

You taught me so many things in an amazingly short span of time. I may be such an insignificant part of your life, but I learnt so much from you. You've shown me so many examples of looking at things in a different way, gave me reasons that I shouldn't be afraid to be myself and helped me find back a little of me. Thank for everything, and for believing in me.

There, I'm finally done. I kind of like this though. :)

It was supposed to be posted last night (31 Jan) but my really nice mum decided to switch off the internet. Oh well. Happy new month. May February be a month of new hopes, chances and dreams!

2011-01-30T16:16:00.005+08:00

Decided to take a break and get some thoughts of my mind. But have been wanting to write this down since yesterday. Right so, I've been thinking about this of awhile so I guess I got over the shock already. But.

Ohmygosh. No wonder.

It makes sense doesn't it. All the pieces fit perfectly well. It fits so well it scares me. I never thought anything like this would ever happen, but obviously I'm wrong. Or at least something along that line. And it's not within my control. Just like that. A little evidence that I'm probably not supposed to come across, then a theory, and BAM! A realization all of a sudden. And what I hate most of all is that it seems so real. It can be real.

I don't have actual proof, but how it clears all my doubt and questions is enough. Enough to convince me. It's too late even if I don't want to think about it. I just wish it's all a lie, but all the jigsaw puzzles click together so flawlessly just makes it even more impossible that I'm just thinking too much.

I don't know what to feel right now. Am I supposed to get mad and upset? Or just disappointed? It's like waking up one day and finding out that all this while nothing is real. Whenever I ask something, you just brush it off. You say that it's confidential, I'm not supposed to know. And so, what exactly am I supposed to know? Or were you just waiting for this little truth to be discovered? You keep saying that people don't understand and making it seem that you're the one in pity. But really, all along have you ever thought about other people's feelings?

To think I was having this little hope in mankind. But after awhile people around me just keep giving me reasons to lose that faith. Really, am I to blame for believing in you? At the end of the day, the conclusions I come up with is that humans are really evil, hearts are ugly and everything we've built is just a facade.

As for you, so typical.

Shooting down any idea before trying to understand. Believing that no one but yourself is correct. How I wish you can see what I see, there's so much to it than you can imagine. But that's what you always do, trying to fight for yourself and your own point. Oh well, it's your loss. You will never ever get to see the beauty and depth of it.

I realised after some time that the reason I love reading books, is for the characters. There's always this messed up, imperfect person. Just like me. And it always tells me that it's alright to be messed up, to have issues, to have this internal struggle or however it's supposed to be. I need someone/something to constantly tell me that it's okay I'm not perfect.

Hah I'm done. It's not 5 yet time to go back to homework. My table is so messy right now I have to move to the dining table to do work. And get tempted by a lot of food. Right so, thanks to my incredible slacking ability I'm not even halfway through what I'm supposed to do. Not even one task I think. Hurray.

Bye beautiful messed up world.

2011-01-24T22:20:00.004+08:00

I don't know. Guilt perhaps?

Okay scratch that. I actually do know. The guilty feeling that lasts for a while is becoming oh too familiar, it's hard to not acknowledge. They say that when you're guilty towards someone, you'll start to compensate the person, normally by being nicer. My gawd. So true.

It's like I start to neglect, feel guilty after awhile, try to make it up somehow (though I'm sure it doesn't work) and then the cycle repeats itself. I hate how I'm always not sincere, then I start being a fake and acting nice and all, but it never lasts long enough.

The worst fact is that I know exactly what I'm doing. I only wish I can only start to care. Sometimes it feel as if suddenly I've become cold-hearted and all and I don't even care about other people's feelings. It's like all of a sudden I don't even bother anymore. It doesn't matter if you're important to me or not.

I really need to start putting things into perspective and prioritize. To say that you're not important to me and I don't care if I lose you, is a lie. A big fat lie. I don't think anyone has any idea how much you mean to me. Not even myself. I dislike the way I'm acting like I don't care, I hate how I'm most probably never going to really realise how much you mean to me until I lose you. But of course, I don't want that to happen. And I won't let that happen.

It sucks so much that everything is probably killing me slowly. And letting you go isn't easy either, I'm completely clueless where to start. Now if only I can see what I'm trying to do and stop trying to destroy myself. Or what I have left.

I need to start seeing things from other people's eyes and try to understand. Things can't forever go my way. At this rate I'm just going hurt everyone around. Though I mostly likely have hurt you already before I can stop myself. It's always me isn't it, I never try to stop, think and empathise. I just go on and believe my own assumptions. I never consult your opinions or wonder how you feel first. Which will of course, end up with me hurting you.

I think it's not until tonight, then I realised that people can be so fragile. That there's a limit to everything. That you shouldn't push one too far. That maybe everything I've believed in is wrong. That maybe I'm doing everything wrong. That I'm acting as if I'm pushing you away. That I need to start being sincere in everything I do and say, and stop playing nice just because I feel guilty. That I'm sorry.

Suddenly I feel like I'm self-destructing.

On the other hand.

I think people need to start realising that time is an advantage, to know is a privilege and trust is an honour.

Don't take things too far with what you know, what you have and what you can do. If you don't watch your behaviour, don't be surprised with what may come.

After all, you have no idea what's going on behind your back.

2011-01-21T23:24:00.006+08:00

It takes so little just to lose that faith in humanity and break the trust in you.

The little things you do, you probably don't even know but I notice. I do. And it tells me so much about you. I keep telling myself I shouldn't judge, people aren't perfect all the time and it's not wrong to let your guards down at time. Okay that's probably a wrong expression, but just you can't keep up with other people's expectation at every single moment, I know. But I can't help but let all the little actions and your words get to me. If this continues I honestly don't know how I'll act around you and what's going to happen.

Okay right. I'm in a terribly good mood right now it's probably annoying. But oh well. :D

The week's over! At least for school. But. the. weekend. is. just. bloody. perfect. There's homework for ALL 7 SUBJECTS. And it's not like just one question but one worksheet or many tasks to do. Right so there's one extra day to finish them since there's Home Learning Day on Monday. But hey that doesn't mean that the teachers get a chance to give us more things to do! Plus I have so many things to catch up on. The lessons and piano and theory and fanfics and everything. AND MY FREAKING IPOD WHICH DOESN'T WANNA START PROPERLY. Godadammit why can't you just work.

Random but I have 2 cuts on me. One near my wrist and the other at my knee. I don't even know how I got them .___. I think life's too busy and flies too fast to notice the small things. It's crazy how it's only the end of week 3 and I really feel like it's term 3 already. With all the ongoing project and their proposals, the many subjects and all.

I really like how life's progressing right now. Or at least I think so. It isn't perfect, but enough to keep my happy. I'm getting my optimism back, I think. Or a little bit I hope. Today there was this talk by some Taiwan writer who writes about sea experiences or sth along that line and it was interesting. I'm feeling kind of inspired by him. And there was the SIL with the lessons and passion and everything. I like these kind of things and how it influences my thoughts and all.

Anyway, I'm going to look at things from a bigger picture from now on. Or at least, I'll try to. And also, to look at things from different perspectives. I think I've talked about point of view so many time that I'm sick of it already. But today I kind of came to a decision. I guess. It's like, last year with things going on and other people's thinking of things and all it was hard to see what's right. I tried having a different mindset from now but it didn't work out. Despite the many reasonings one can give me I still see so many flaws in it. And these are the flaws that don't work with me and it can get me down if I stick to it for too long. So yeah, everyone's different and I like my reasoning. :)

Okay this post is messy messy I just want to get my thoughts out. The following stuff are just gonna be rants! Scratch that. The ranting part has already begun.

I can't help but notice the difference. And I have no idea why. It's not cause of I want to have you replaced, (hell as if you can ever be replaced) it's just those little thoughts keep popping into my head randomly. Oh if it's you you'll blah blah blah, at this time you'll say this, and you'll do that. Your this and your that. It's killing me really. I want things back to where it was, but no it can never happen. And it's no point wishing for it either.

You, your sweet talking and sugar-coated lies. Everything you say, never happens. Doesn't matter if you tried. I'm probably just someone to talk to when you're bored. Yeah sure, and I don't care.

You've probably changed, I know. But it's so hard to get that into my mind. Everything bout you screams the memories from the past. I can't stop myself from thinking you're the same person from last time. I never thought I would have to deal with this someday but now I need to. I guess this is just a test to see if I can put things in the past and see through my own assumptions. Or at least, who I think you were.

Arghhhh damn why are some girls so freaking pretty dammit. They're skinny and beautiful and I'm jealous :(

Saturday tomorrow. Hope it goes great! No theory muahaha happy day. It's going to be a beautiful with fluffy white clouds and azure sky. Shall reply texts and go to bed. Goodnight. :)

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back now
I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But, I still mean every word I say to you

2011-01-17T20:49:00.002+08:00

I need. to control. my emotions.

I've been drowning myself in lies. Lies I tell myself, lies I tell others. And now I really need to believe in them. Because it won't happen, it won't. Though, as much as I don't wanna admit, you still have the power. Just one word, one sentence, something someone else says, and you can break me down.

Just wait, one day you'll be just another stranger.

Okay right, I have so many things to say. But I've been putting down everything at the moment. But not now at this very second. Just clearing my thoughts while waiting for someone to come online. Pshhh faster faster. :(

ALRIGHT HEHE. Mass convo here I comeeeee. And work too, rawr.

2011-01-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

End of the week. Hello weekends.

I think school's pretty good so far. Being in a new class is strangely odd for me, not knowing everyone and all. But lessons are pretty cool, there were a few times when we ended up laughing and making a lot of noise. I think that's a good sign.

Saturday. CCA and piano. Here's to an end to sleeping in having a good rest. Imagine when I need to start my CIP and my application is accepted. My Saturdays will be CCA in the morning, piano in the afternoon then do some work, followed by CIP at night. Can life actually get better.

And I wanna add on a little to my new year post. I guess, in 2010 I realised that so many things I see are actually very very real. In the past, I always hear about this and that. But I never had someone I know who really experienced it. Then came last year. I saw with my own eyes, the different difficulties and challenges a person has to face. It was then I really understood that I shouldn't take things for granted and that all of what I heard about and all are actually happening around me. That life isn't perfect at all, and there can be so many obstacles.

As for you, time and again you kept me doubting you and wondering if you've changed. Your personality, you words, you actions. But fortunately, somehow in a way you always manage to prove to me that you're still the same. Maybe, you've changed a little. With responsibility you have to act like it too. But nevertheless thank you.

Oh and this is really random but just the other day in school, I was doodling on this random paper. Then I realised I was using the colours of green and silver only. How cool is that. SLYTHERIN :D

Goodbye all saturday shall be a great day.

2011-01-03T20:52:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's the first day of school and I thought it'll be nice to sort out my thoughts a little bit.

I'm not quite sure of where I was, but I guess at the moment I have a slight idea of where I'm standing right now. New year, new beginnings. that's what I keep telling myself. So, as the school year starts, I guess it's time for me to forget you too. Or rather, move on and let go.

It wasn't until a while ago when I realised that what I thought of, was completely wrong. Fully healed and recovered, what rubbish. I only ran away from reality and didn't want to face the truth. I was a coward. Of course, cruel life always has its way of slapping me in the face to wake me up.

So I thought, it's time. Really. I have drowned myself in sadness for far too long. Yes I've got to admit, I don't think I would ever be able to forget you. Not in the past, not now and not in the future. The part of me that still wants to remember you is so much more than the part that wish you never ever exist.

But to accept that you are just part of my past, I think i can do that. It's not going to be easy, I'm not sure how long it'll take, but I'll get over you. One day, I definitely will. Someday, the memories haunting me and the nightmares would stop.

Thank you, if it weren't for you I wouldn't be the me I am today. I have a thousand reasons to hate you, but I know it wasn't your fault in the first place. I screwed up, sorry. Not that you would ever care.

I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about you with other people. But I'm going to be okay. I will.

p.s. Gawd I sound like a baby.

p.p.s. On a side note, I would appreciate it very much if you would stop rubbing it in my face thanks.

2011-01-01T01:33:00.004+08:00

2010.

It was probably the worst year of my life, absolutely horrible. I made so many mistakes, and was so lost and confused for so many months. In so many ways I failed my responsibilities and sacrificed many things in life. There were many many many disappointments, which makes me even more depressed than I could be. I drifted away from people, lost trust in some and doubted others. I continued to build the wall around me and kept many people out. Lots of unfortunate events/situations happened too.

Yet, it was probably one of the best year of my life too. I met new people, including the sweetest people ever. I grew closer to many of my friends, especially those from my class and cca. No matter what I went through, there was a bunch of good friends who are always there for me and I'm grateful to them.

The past year was definitely a rollercoaster ride, there were so many ups and downs. Thank you to those who gave me the memories, it doesn't matter whether is it happy or sad. Thank you to everyone who made me laugh, smile, cry, frown, angry and annoyed. I learnt many things, including life lessons and theories of things. I changed, my perspective of people around me and the world, my motivations, my goals, my direction, my reasons, my habits, my behaviour. No matter how many obstacles there were in my life, I still appreciate the little sweet moments, the silliest things we laugh about, the time I spent with my friends and all the happy memories. It was indeed an important year of my life, now I get to see things a little bit clearer. Thank you 2010, no matter how nasty you were, I've got to admit you were still lovely.

In the new year, I want to continue learning, not just in studies but also the things in life. I want to continue finding the me I want to be. I want to meet even more people, be more open and be more outgoing. I want to treasure every friendship and not let anyone slip away. I want to learn how to trust, to stop keeping things from people and appreciate everyone. I want to dream, to learn my goals, to at least see where I'll go in a few years time. I want to make use of every chance and opportunity I have, be less afraid of making mistakes and not have any regrets. I want to hold stronger bonds with people, create memories and learn to be happier. I want to learn how to stand up after I fall, accept the truth for it is and crawl out of the hole no matter how hurt I can be. I want to have fun, to laugh, to love. I want to learn how to let go of things completely, to move on and stop thinking of the past. I want to live 2011 to the fullest.

I want the new year to be amazing. New year, new beginnings.

Goodbye 2010. Hello 2011, here I come.

2010-12-20T02:49:00.004+08:00

Hihihi everyone.

I just sent out an email to someone. More of a reply actually. A few weeks late. But late is always better than never right? :) It kind of scares me actually, the length of the email. I went to check and it's 500+ words hoho. I'm incredible really. I think, I just have so much to say.

My plan of replying texts a little faster is not working. Now say hello to replies only after a few hours and please don't get pissed at me. It's not my fault that someone just totally killed my interest in texting altogether. I swear, my mum can now stop worrying about my SMSes getting higher and higher each month. It seems like the trend has already stopped.

On the other hand, I think -AHEM- someone is mad at me because of it hehehe. I don't blame anyone actually. Say, 3 months ago if a person was to reply me back a few hours later every single time, I would just stopped contacting the person. So, I'm pretty surprised my friends have so much patience with me and my nonsense. :O

Anyway, someone very randomly and nicely pointed out to me today that I don't uh, say mushy stuff anymore. (Or someone along that line uh huh.) Like, oh idk actually. Probably things like 'love ya' or 'i miss you' and even calling others 'dear' and so on. Which I used to, really. (Note that I mean in the friendship way yo.) Though I guess towards the end of this year I just stopped entirely. I can't exactly give a very logical and valid reason to it. But I guess it's because if I'm not sure if I can actually mean what I say, what's the point of saying it right? And also, I didn't want to feel like words are the only things that makes me feel close to a person. Especially, words that are said without one meaning them. There, a complete incoherent explanation from me.

I think at some of point of time in the later part of this year, I got very tired of people pretending to be close to me when they're not. No, I don't mean those kind when people actually come close to me with a selfish reason. Because there's nothing to benefit from being close to me. But uh, it's like you're actually not that close to someone. But that someone acts like he/she is close to you. Then from what the person says and stuff sometimes you actually believe you're close to the person. But idk, I think it's sickening really. Though I think that's only cos I see it way too many times. And I actually don't hear other people have this kind of problem.

And at times I really wonder, is the real problem me or what. Though yes, I have to admit, I've got a lot of issues with myself.

Okay buhbye world I need sleep.

/ps. Btw did I mention my parents didn't come home tonight? Again for the idk how many time of this year. For their grrrrr, entertainment. I swear, if this goes on, there's gonna be a year when they don't come home every single night. Doesn't matter much anyway. As long as they give me money I can still survive well without an adult at home.

2010-12-16T23:33:00.003+08:00

I wanted to write about this in the previous post but I guess I just forgot. So here it is.

I really miss the seniors :(

It wasn't until the Sec 4 Farewell then I really truly realised how fun they can be. The jokes they make, laughing at the little things, it's always them who were making the orchestra laugh. If you put them all together to interact with one another, it can actually entertain you for hours I'm sure.

Seeing them is like seeing ourselves and how we will be in the future. The year flew by fairly quickly and just like that, we'll be sec 3s next year. Before we know it, my batch will actually be the senior of the seniors. Then it will be our final year and our turn to say goodbye.

I think I need to take life and relationships with others more seriously. Put in my 100% effort in everything I do. I don't want to leave with regrets. So I guess I need to start now. Create happy memories and forge friendships with people :)

2010-12-16T21:50:00.011+08:00

I'm kidda forcing myself to blog right now. I wanna write down everything that's on my mind before I forget.

I came back from NYCO camp today. And it was really really amazing :)

I learnt so so so much from just 3 days, which wasn't really what I expected at first. And bonded with my batch mates and seniors and juniors and section mates. After a long long break, it's nice to see everyone again. The familiar faces, although many were missing.

Okay I don't really intend to talk much about the games and all. I'm much interested in writing all my learning points from the camp. Through the little activities, hui bao, da zu and things that were mentioned.

Honestly, it wasn't until the camp then I realised that music is actually so... so... so complicated. Like there's the pitch, the shape of the melody, the quality of the sound and so much more. I guess after so many years of learning music and all, I did know of all these little point. I just never really thought of it much. Through the years I do know that this and that is important. But I probably just didn't take note of it. It was only after camp then it kind of like, punched my face. Trying to wake me up so that I would actually realise how the importance.

And so, today when I wanted to play the piano I just stared. Looked at all the black and white keys. Once again, I thought of the question which I don't have the answer. Yet. Why am I actually doing this? All the years of practicing and playing. Nothing. It was just wasted. Because I never had a clue of what I was playing. I didn't have a goal. I didn't know what I wanted. The pieces I played couldn't paint the pictures, they couldn't portray the feelings. Everything I played were just random notes strung together by rhythm and some dynamics. It's as if the pieces I played are like zombies. It's there but dead. Moving but lifeless. Worthless. Because that's not how music is supposed to be.

Starting from today, I shall be more attentive to all the little details here and there. Everything I missed out. And actually think a little. You know, music needs brains too. But most importantly, I need the answer to my question. The question which I've asked over and over again. Because if I don't have the answer, I will probably never be able to focus. So in short, I need to find my passion back.

Of course, not just for music but for many other things too. Over the last 2 years or so, I lost interest in so many things I once loved. Which is probably everything in my life. Even the littlest things of life. I don't see the point in it. Believe it or not, I actually get kind of sick of talking to people. Like how I've been ignoring people when they text me. It can be hours before I reply. Not that I didn't know that they text me, but because I don't feel like replying. Just like that, I don't feel like replying. At times, I have to kind of force myself to reply. So that they don't think I hate them or something. And it's a basic courtesy to reply.

I need to get my life back. For a start I shall reply texts, read a bit of the fanfic I'm reading and go to bed early. Comfy bed and warmth, how much I miss you.

/ps. And most definitely, I'll obviously learn to not lend people my phone. To think that I will actually grow up and learn from experience. But no, I don't and it just ends up with messages being read. Screw people. They need to learn about privacy.

2010-12-01T03:08:00.002+08:00

Hello December :)

First day of a new monthhhh. It's 3:09 AM right now and I really can't get to sleep. I think I've slept too much. Shesh what a weird statement. Anyway, my parents haven't switched off the internet yet. So here I am, trying to pass time.

I was ~~stalking~~ -cough- visiting the Facebook profiles of some people I don't really talk to anymore when I realised how much some people have changed. It's like you haven't been in contact with the person for some time and then poof, suddenly the words actions behaviour - different. Not that the change is in a bad way, I can't judge since I didn't interact with the people. But it's kind of scary since it's not something I've really imagined. And it's just so... too quickly for me to actually get used to it. Then I look at myself, and still see the ugly me that I've seen for years. Rahhh. I don't change much do I. It's just I can't be the myself I wanna be.

Okay I've got to admit. All the thoughts only started after I saw someone I haven't seen for very very long. :/

Another thing I realised is that, I don't even dare to visit your FB profile anymore. Not that I always do. But the thing is that I'm actually afraid of what I would see. That would get me upset. Ahhh the power of your words. Stupid me imagining things :(

Okay right I need to sleep now. At this rate the chance of me waking up before noon is zero. Buhbye world.

2010-11-18T20:41:00.001+08:00

HELLO bitches!!!

I'm back ;)

2010-10-26T22:24:00.002+08:00

I am interested to see, how you're going to pick up the pieces and fix it back to the complete jigsaw puzzle the way it was. I guess it's wrong to say complete, perhaps, nearly finished would be better. If you and I are not going to care, I wonder how the ending would be like. Would it actually remain the way it is now.

Somehow, I feel exhausted. I don't know if it's actually because of school, or due to the lack of sleep. It's crazy how even though it's after exams, I'm still sleep at say, 3am in the morning. And on that exact day, I actually have school. As much as I love my social life at night, I think it's really tiring me out. Like today I felt like I was going to zone out any moment. Okies, I swear, no more picking up calls after midnight.

On the other hand, it's been quite some time since I talked to you on the phone... :)

Alright I can't take it anymore, sleepiness is taking over me. I shall attempt to read a book for a while and go sleep. Good night.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away,

not because you stopped loving that someone,

but because you have to shield yourself from pain.

2010-10-22T00:16:00.004+08:00

I'm fucking tired.

There are some people who just don't want to commit. Is that so hard. Can't they just appreciate the effort put in. I feel like, everyone's so reluctant. So you think I wanna do this too huh. You can say it's my responsibility. To make this happen. But what bout you. It is your responsibility, to make sure this can happen. I'm spending hours, days, my free time here working on this. And there you are, planning on how to skip practice. Can't you just, be a little enthusiastic about this.

I'm so sick of trying to be nice. You can hate me for all I care. What's the point, when you're not even trying to do your work. I want to have fun too. To go out and play. To do the stuff I wanna. To get enough sleep. But see, it's because of people like you I can't.

This is why everyone dislikes our class. Because so many people are not fucking trying.

And where are you, normally at times like these you'll be cheering me up. Haven't talked to you in days/weeks. Can't believe I'm saying this but. I kidda miss you :(

Listening to some of JongHyun's solo right now. His voice is so beautiful.

Goodnight everyone. Life's been depressing.

2010-10-20T23:28:00.005+08:00

What a liar you are.

I think, I've actually experienced enough to know that reality is always not what it seems. That is it actually easy to lie. Or, what someone says is not entirely true. I shouldn't take what someone says seriously. Shall pretend I didn't see anything. Pretend I don't know.

My brain hurts. I'm just doing work, work and even more work. There's no time to play, to enjoy. Deadlines are so rush, it's like we're just making a miracle happen. I'm afraid that this can't work out, that not being possible and the problems we're facing now can't be solved. All the time I'm just thinking of work. Take today as an example, from morning till now I never actually slacked. I was just, editing or texting people to get work done or discussing.

Truthfully, it's kind of fun. Just that right now I can't think anymore. And I keep forgetting this and that and ignoring people. At times my mind just blanks out and I forget what I was supposed to be doing, or what my tasks were. I even wished that everyone would just stop talking to me. Because every time someone replies, it's always never something good.

I'm just glad that life did plan little enjoyments in between. I'm looking forward to those, it's been so long since I had fun with other people. Time to catch up too, we've all been spending way too much time on exams and studying. So, I'm actually kind of grateful. I just need to get my to-do list done asap.

Right. I just realised I need to ask people things. And tell people things. And get my much needed sleep.

2010-10-19T21:17:00.002+08:00

We need changes to keep us going, to keep improving. Just like how I really disliked that ugly scrollbar at the bottom for other skin. So right, new blog skin. I changed the font size to make the text bigger. I just can't stand reading tiny font somehow.

And you, the changes you've made huh. You got bored of me, and just kicked me aside and pretended I didn't exist. Isn't it so? Not gonna believe any excuse you're gonna make. Because please, not like it's the first time happening. I was stupid. For thinking maybe, just maybe, I actually mean something to you. We are as close as you made it sound. Maybe, just maybe. But no, I am just like any other toy to you. I'm disgusted, really. Not going to believe anything you say, your stupid sweet nothings.

And so, I give up. I'm not going to care any more. You didn't mean that much to me anyway. I've gotta admit that. Just like any ordinary person who walked in, seeking comfort and someone to talk to. Then walked out, reminding me that I'm alone in this big big world. Made my realised that it's wrong to show my weaknesses, that I'm vulnerable and I have to stay strong. Whatever, suit yourself. I have other people who make me happy anyway :)

Even though EOYs have officially ended... somehow I feel empty. I don't know why. It's not that I have not been looking forward to it, it's just right now I don't feel any excitement or whatsoever. And so what if it really did end. Not like there aren't any responsibilities and more things to do. In fact, I think I just got busier FML maximum. The deadlines and schedules are just so freaking tight.

Okay right. Back to work.

2010-10-18T22:10:00.003+08:00

Math paper tomorrow. And we're free ;)

Oh gosh, the day I've been waiting for all year. The day we're free from exams and EOYs and studying... at least, for this year.

It's maddening how I really don't know what to do right now. To improve my math. Or rather, I'm too lazy. Anyway, from tomorrow onwards I shall not talk about results or exams anymore. It's too depressing a topic hoho.

I got addicted to games and anime :D

Well, at least I let myself to. Gosh it's been so long since I've been so slack. Without worrying much bout anything. Surprisingly, somehow I feel it's like the end of exams already heh. Starting from tomorrow, everything shall get better. It will. It should.

Hmm. Gonna watch one episode of anime then go sleep. Before 11pm, what a miracle. How long has it been since I last slept for more than 6 hours? Way longgg ago. Okay. Freedom here I comeeee :D

2010-10-14T14:35:00.006+08:00

"Time flies. People change.

You only talk to me when you need me. Other than that, you're too busy for words.

So, I guess that you were one of those people who were supposed to walk into my life, teach me a lesson, and then walk away."

And stop giving me hope, then crash everything I believed in. No more false hope please.

Rawr my poor dino puppysaurus JongHyun got injured, Key too. SHINee rest well D:

2010-10-10T23:08:00.003+08:00

HELLO EVERYONE!!!

This blog has become so rubbish shesh. Last tag was er more than a month ago.

Oh well who can I blame right hehehe. This shall be the only post of the week :O

Today is 10/10/10. I made a wish at 10:10:10 today ^^ Life has been going perfectly greatttttt since start of October. Fortunately. I still have so many things I wanna say. Things happened and all, and I think each day I realise more and more things so. Yeah.

I have so so so so many things after EOYs. I CAN'T WAIT!! 9 more days woohoo. Soon after midnight it'll 8 more days. One week plus. Gosh just the thought of it really makes me excited. Shopping sogurt island creamery movie FUNNNN ^^ Whee it was 11:11PM and I made a wish. Okay anyway, it's crazy how I already made plans even though exams haven't even started. And mentally take note of all the things I wanna do. I swear my to-do list is going to be long long long. Maybe I won't even have time for all. Since I wanna get everything done before I fly off. Which means 2 weeks. Hoho I shall start making plans straight after exams.

Rahhhh mum bugging me to drink some cooling tea ish stuff so we wouldn't fall sick before holidays. Woo can't wait for the trip really. Hehehe fun.

I feel lazy. Honestly, I haven't done anything much. I didn't revise and everything's just so not productive.Rawr 9 more days. Okay.

Back to work. Really exams I dislike you.

2010-09-30T23:51:00.002+08:00

This surprised me but. I'm actually quite sleepy right now. At 12:44 AM. This post is supposed to be at 11+ because I want to catch the last day of September to post, but then I wanted to do work. So. I'm only starting to type now now. It amazes me how a few days ago, I was actually complaining to myself how I couldn't sleep even though it was 1AM+ . Oh well, I think it's kind of nice. My body is demanding for normal sleep hours.

I really like today :D

There's nothing particularly significant, except for French paper which I don't want to talk about. But it's one of those days that I'm busy yet kind of not busy. Little ups and downs. I got to talk to several people which I don't talk to often, even though they were just small chats. I guess it's because I didn't get mad or angry at anyone or anything, I wasn't sad at all for today. So my mood was generally cheerful heh. And that doesn't always happen. Oh and I got to chat with people and all, I like it when people make me feel like I'm being noticed :)

Today's the last day of September! After a very long 11:11 drought, I finally made a wish today heh. September practically zoomed past, and October is now here. It's crazy how fast 3 weeks of term 4 have nearly past. Time is ticking away at such a fast speed.

I kind of noticed today, that people have been telling me to cheer up these days. Or suddenly said things like oh I sound happy that sort of stuff. So I realised how grumpy and unhappy I sound/have been. And somehow I keep thinking of the negative side and all. Rahhh. From October onwards I will, be happier heh.

Since French is over, I can finally start real revision. Without worrying about it anymore. I started by finishing Math paper today. Tomorrow I shall print out my Chinese SIA and start on revision booklet. I really really need to be faster in doing work and actually start progressing. I hate seeing how people around me are working so hard and here I am, slacking away.

But first, I shall go get enough sleep.

2010-09-28T23:44:00.002+08:00

I should really get started for French right now.

But oh well. I finished up Math paper heh. The bad news though, is that I took ages. Slow like tortoise. And my brain is functioning at such a slow speed these days. In the past it used to be read question and after a few seconds I would know how to do the question already. But this year it's more like, I have to stare at the question for minutes. I'm so fail.

And right now, I should be typing on and on but I'm not. Because I have to pause and think about what to write. Shesh seriously what happened to me.

I shall, start to sleep earlier from today onwards. It's madness when you sleep after midnight every single day. Occasionally, like last week, I managed to sleep before 12. But that's because I fell asleep halfway doing work. Alright my goal is to sleep before 12, since EOYs are really near and I can't possibly be yawning like crazy during the papers. Imagine if I actually fall asleep halfway during the paper, or is really sleepy. Heh I really like the idea of having 6+ hours of sleep.

Yesterday pretty much sucked. I swear I failed French oral. The teacher looked like she gave up on me, especially since I couldn't answer all of her questions. Yes that bad. Oh wellz it's all because I'm lazy and I'm lousy and I suck.

I keep writing and then deleting what I wanna say.

I think it's really nice how I'm noticing how I changed and all. Each day I will realise things that I've never thought of before. I don't know how others view me, but I think that I'm a completely different person from last year or so. Okay that's another story for another day.

There so many things I want to talk about. But I'm afraid that it will take hours to type a long blog post. On the other hand, I really need to sort out of thoughts. I have a feeling that a lot of my actions and thinking don't match. Say for example, I actually dislike behaving in a certain way. Yet I still do it. That kind of stuff.

Starting from tomorrow, I shall try to blog about my revision and how it's going. The pace is going to be mad slow. But I think it's nice to know how I'm progressing and so on.

Alright. I shall go reply texts. Read through French notes. Then sleep.

2010-09-26T23:56:00.003+08:00

One post a week. Keeping my promise. Last week I didn't. And the last post is ages again and the new school term has started. 2 weeks have past. Everything is happening at a crazy fast speed. And.

I am so fucking screwed no one has any idea.

I just want to cry in someone's arms and rant about how miserable my life is but who is willing. Everyone is so caught up in their own worlds and EOYs ARE coming. I know. Ultimately at the end of the day, I just have to convince myself that I am alone. I'm a loser and nothing else.

Tomorrow is the French oral day and I have absolutely no idea how to speak French at all. I'm just going to be complete joke and get a big fat zero. I've never fallen so deep before. And I still remember in primary school, even though it's just primary school, I never felt so lousy before.

And what's more, I just realised how I've been distancing myself from the rest of the world. It's probably just subconsciously, but it just kind of hit me how I easily get annoyed at people nowadays. And I'm pretty sure they're annoyed at me too. Like I've been sarcastic and not making jokes anymore, and these few days my definition of being funny is to criticize someone. I don't know how to explain the situation but, it's just not me anymore. I think some people have noticed and are trying to make an effort, because they know EOYs are reallyyyy near and I could be stressed or something.

But isn't it funny how I said that I'll try to communicate with others more. And yet here I am, attempting to live in my own world. I changed so much I don't know if it's me anymore. I haven't logged into facebook for days. Even if I do, I never spent more than 15 minutes I swear. The number of tweets I tweet and the texts I sent drastically dropped. By like, half the amount or even more. The time I spend on the computer is much much less, at times I even dread switching it on. And of course, I haven't gone online for days too. Everyone mentioned that they haven't seen me on MSN for a very very long time. Oh and I don't really blog or tumblr anymore. As insane as it sounds, it's true.

Not that now I'm a nerd who studies 24/7. Because it's the opposite of that. In fact, I spend so much time just doing nothing. Really, nothing. Which means staring into blank space. Because now I don't even want to think about anything.

It's just that, I do know I have less than 3 weeks to EOYS. But Ms Urgency just refuses to find me and knock some sense into my tiny brain. 2 weeks seems to be quite a bit of time. But it's not, not at all. I have 8 subjects in total to study for minus French which I'm prepared to get 20% or something I'm not kidding. And 8 subjects, that's really really a lot. Considering what I remember is like what, nothing. I forget everything immediately after the test ends.

I do feel guilty for not starting my revision yet. Because I know people who started theirs long ago, and my productivity at even this point of time is zero. Seeing people around me studying makes me think, oh why am I not doing the same. I'm lazy and all, but I do want good grades. Passing is not enough, I've always been ambitious and I can even cry over a 2.0. You may be getting a perfect score 1.0 and thinking, why is this girl so stupid and dumb and such an idiot 2.0 is lousy blah blah blah. But whatever shut up.

Of course, the biggest contributing factor for my lack of motivation is just well, my lack of motivation. Once again, the questioning hits me. What I've been doing and what I'm doing, what's my true purpose really. I'm just aimlessly studying because well, I'm a student. My parents want me to do well. It's nothing about what I want and my goals and dreams and what I'm looking for. And this time, the directionless feeling is the er, most severe yet. And it just has to come at the most crucial point of time, right before EOYs.

I do like to do a various of thing. Singing makes me happy, playing piano makes me forget about the world and all the problems, as nerdy as it may sound I love to read. But I've never liked anything a lot. It's not like those people who are truly passionate about music or dance or art or computer and so on. Never. I have friends who love to run or dance or make music. And they've never really said they disliked it or anything. In my case I don't really have a passion. At times I lie and say that my passion is music. But I know that it's not exactly the truth. I hate practising and I really really dread it. I've never ever worked really hard for anything.

I also have friends who have big dreams or aims and it motivates them to work even harder. But I have none. I don't have a dream, I don't have the slightest idea what I wanna be when I grow old. And it's sad, really. I don't know what I'm studying for, a lot of times I ask why I am doing a certain thing. But I have no answer, because I do not know why. I just wish, I know what my dreams are. Because I really hate living my life aimlessly. This way I wouldn't keep asking myself what the heck am I doing in Nanyang.

Right. Half the post I'm ranting about how I don't have a dream or a passion and it upsets me. I think I've also found the reason why I stopped putting in extra effort in completing an assignment and so on. I only did them because there's a deadline and I don't want a big fat zero. On the other hand, I don't see the point of me scoring very well either, so I tend to just complete them because I'm told to do so.

Rahhhh. It's gonna take a long time before I figure my way around life and find what I really want to do and so on. Till then, I'll still live day by day. With those ups and downs, mostly disappointments. I really hate how I fail to see the positive side of life these days. What happened to my optimism.

I shall attempt to practice French for awhile so I wouldn't die so badly tomorrow. But honestly nothing can be changed at this moment can it.

2010-09-09T23:35:00.007+08:00

My mind's a blank.

I want to talk about so many things but I don't know where to start.

Okay that's a lie, it's more like I don't know what to talk about and don't really wish to talk about them. I contradict myself so much gosh.

It's just that even though I know practically no one reads this space anymore, ultimately it's still not a private space. Yet I don't want to blog in my locked blog. Because that beats the purpose of letting others read about my life isn't it. And I really think it's tiring to log in just to see my own posts. And really annoying when others want to read your blog but can't because it's locked.

Alright I shall admit the biggest problem is I don't like others to read about what I feel. Contradict much againnnnn. It's funny how attention-seeking I am, yet I don't like people to know about me. Maybe not dislike people knowing me, probably more like a lot of things I just wish people wouldn't know. But hah no matter what all humans are curious and loves to invade other's privacy, especially mine.

I have no secret to hide but shesh, it's my own personal space after all and it's rude. And at times I just don't really like people knowing who I'm talking to, once again not a deep dark secret but come on why so nosy. Like hey I want to have my own friends that don't actually have a thousand other mutual friends with me. They wanna make friends, fine. But seriously, what's the point of the names of other friends when you don't even know how they look like or didn't even know their existence. If I can not look at other people's phones to see their messages, why can't the rest seriously. I swear, I've never peeped at someone's phone before. Not even while they're messaging. Unless they did that to me, then I just wanna show them how it feels like.

... okay I take that back. I once peeped at someone's phone heh. Oh well I will stop doing that hmm.

My LA social issue talk should really be on privacy issue, shouldn't it. Don't you know those few people, as long as you know their Facebook/Twitter/blog/whatsoever you practically know what they've been doing? And I can't, I just can't. It's not that I have any problem with that, it's just something I realised. I untagged so many pictures of me on FB, I don't post anything much, my last status was ages ago and I don't really comment. I spend less than 1 hour on FB everyday right now. All I do is write on other people's wall and FB Chat. That's pretty much sums up my FB activity.

In fact I realised, my virtual life is practically nonexistent. My Twitter is just some boring tweets or emo shit that doesn't really describe my life. My blog is dying, all you can find from here are my old posts and things that don't make sense. My Tumblr is just a bunch of reblogs that don't make much sense either. Wheee how nice. When I look back to what I'm writing this year, half the time I probably won't understand anything. And the greatest joy of all, my FB Twitter Blogger Tumblr don't link. You can't find my Twitter from my blog, my Tumblr from FB etc. Just try. The only way is to ask me.

Fear. I think that's why my online activities have been decreasing. I'm scared of others reading what I do and what I feel, then they somehow use it to stab me or something. I know I'm thinking too much, I'm just paranoid that someday someone will use what I wrote to threaten or whatsoever. Or they'll talk about it. You know how girls are gossipy people. And I'm annoyed just at the thought of rumours. I think that's why I lie so much about some things and I hide stuff from others. Oh and of course, not telling the whole truth.

I think that's what someone like me will do most of the time. I don't like to lie, but I'm not completely honest with anyone. To me anything's fine as long as I don't lie. Much. You don't ask, I don't tell. And that equals to me not telling the complete truth all the time. I think it's essential for everyone to know how to leave out some facts though. Who can be completely honest all the time, someday somewhere somehow you're gonna hurt someone.

Okay right. End of rant. I surprised myself for typing such a long crap. When I started typing the first line I honestly didn't know what I was going to write about. I think now my blog is just a whole load of bullshit with long posts and nonsense. Boring shit. Merci beaucoup if you survived this long.

I have ten thousand work to do. I haven't started on ANYTHING congratulations to me. I just can't find my motivation. Born slacker, face it. Hooray. Friday Saturday Sunday then MONDAY. Sucks much seriously.

Right so you're giving me the silent treatment now hmm. Not just one but a whole load of people. What did I tell myself the other day. Stop building my happiness on a sugar-coated bullshit nonsense and empty promises. I should really stop believing anyone says or feel anything cos of their words. They mean nothing, just cheap talking.

See the reason why I built my wall around me, to defend myself. I just wish I wasn't born with eyes mouth ears. I wish I didn't see what was happening, I didn't ask anything about, and I couldn't hear your answer. Because in the end it would be me getting hurt. Alright I wouldn't say getting hurt but, times like this I wish I didn't know the truth. Then I wouldn't notice anything changing.

I missed 11:11PM today, after days of encountering it. Honestly is this the end already. Gosh I should really think so much and concentrate on my studies. If I actually spent the time thinking of all this nonsense and on my phone texting etc. really studying hard, I swear I would be acing everything right now not kidding.

Someone anyone cheer me up just make me happy again. Not through text that would be too short-lived before hell happens. In 3 more days. I can't imagine. I don't want to think about. Okay brain stop. Seriously.

I'm just typing on and on, whatever's coming to my mind. I just checked, I've already typed 1102 words before this sentence. Why is nonsense so much easier to come up with. Okies. Right. Work.

Oh fuckers fuck off. None of your asshole business. Stop annoying me I do have a limit. You're not perfect I'm not either. Get this into your brainless head now. FUCK OFF.

Shesh. Life why are you so cruel.

2010-09-09T00:55:00.003+08:00

I was just reading this Chinese short story just now about how weaknesses are actually your strengths and I thought it was a very... fresh perspective.

The story talked about how weaknesses are actually er, demonstrated by you in an amplified manner, and it's too much. Ah hard to translate from Chinese. Mmm. For example, in the story the guy liked to boast, but that's because he's confident, it's just that he's a little too overly confident that's all.

It's a really refreshing way to view at our own weaknesses, I've never thought them this way. I'm always complaining how I have so many flaws and really hate myself for it, so I guess this is like positive thinking to me. Ironically, when I'm trying to think of the flaws I have, strangely I can't name any. I don't know why. So from now on, I will start to notice myself more and note the flaws I have. Change it into a positive trait of mine. Yes I will.

This is also another lesson learnt about perspectives, being optimistic and pessimistic. Somehow everything doesn't necessary have to be the way everyone else thinks it is. There's always 2 sides to every story. I guess that's something everyone has to start to learn how to do, me and especially my class. I know how, some people just refuses to look at the good side of someone and his or her actions.

I know I'm no influential and I'm not a good talker. No matter how hard I tried, I can't talk sense into people. And recently I just started to do what everyone's doing. Oh the power of influence. I guess, it's easier to spread bad peer influence than good peer influence. Rahhh. I don't wanna talk bout this anymore. I'm tired and sick of waiting for things to change. I'm trying to change things myself, but even me is starting to doubt what I'm doing. And then there's the change in the way I think, my actions and my behaviour. I know because other people have started to notice and told me.

This is like a full-blown matter. Everyone knows about it and can feel it. I don't want history to repeat itself. Yet it already has. I don't wish to get some people involved, but I guess there's no other choice. I really, really would like it to be somehow resolved before the end of year. I want happy memories.

I'm lazy and haven't been blogging much. In fact for this whole year, I don't even have at least 30 posts. And less than half of them are actual proper ones that make sense. I shall, blog at least once a week. I think it takes a very big courage to say that. But I really have a lot of things to talk about so I think it's possible. And from now on I will stop saying things like I'm busy or I've got no time. Because no matter how true it may be, I realised that by saying that it's actually giving myself an excuse for not completing all my work.

CCA tomorrow, long dayyyy. But I'm going to treasure the not-so-intensive practices before the intensive period starts. I shall pray that we're going Burger Shack for lunch tomorrow heh.

Alrighttt, it's 2:00AM already. I shall reply texts and go to bed.

2010-08-24T23:28:00.003+08:00

And all hell breaks loose.

The cycle repeats itself again.

When will it ever stop. I hate living like this. I hate being such a person. I hate it when I act like this.

I hate feeling so weak. Why do I not have the courage, why am I still not able to. When can I let go.

Eyes teary World blurry.

All Because Of You.

2010-08-16T23:55:00.002+08:00

Fuck people who don't give a fucking damn about other people's lives.

I terribly dislike those who think that the whole world revolves around them. It's as though everything you do that somehow involves them, it must go THEIR WAY. It's so ridiculous isn't it. No matter what the person does or doesn't do and whether the person actually exists or not, the Earth will still continue to spin and the world still moves on.

But oh no because the person actually exists and you life is somehow chained to theirs it has to be their way. They don't even think in your shoes and just fucking assume whatever they like. It's funny how people don't do what they preach.

Hate it when they don't even bother trying to understand why the other person is doing something whatnot. Like puh-lease you're not the only one living everyone is goddammit affected too you know. But oh wait because they're the queen in their lives they don't care it's about them them them. Like they're the only busy one or they just have to think in their stupid pathetic selfish perspective. I don't get how people always have to think the negative way of a person. Isn't it hard to be a human this way. Like everyone in this world have their flaws and everything they do you think of it in that horrible light. It makes everyone sounds much more scheming than they probably are. And I don't like that a bit.

Screw peer influence and the power of brainwashing.

Rahh okay that was supposed to be posted yesterday but I got lost in my own world watching Glee so I didn't get to publish it or write even more. It's so stupid oh my. I was abnormally high this morning and happy and smiling. Then after recess I got real sleepy I was nearly dozing off. Totally shut my ears and whatever the teachers said, they were floating around my head and refused to imprint itself into my tiny brain so that I can understand. I swear, the whole time my face was -____-

I really need to stop taking time out of my already depleting sleep hours for my own enjoyment. It's screwing my life and health and I can't sleep properly anymore. A lot of times I'm so sleepy I will just stare at my homework and dao the whole world. That's bad isn't it. I mean it's not that I don't enjoy sleeping but I get addicted to shows and just want to watch more. Like how I was watching Glee. I can't believe I was hooked seriously. Boo I should watch finish this season and start on Gossip Girl season 2.

I shall get started on Bio SIA shoot me please. It's due on Wednesday and it's 1:09 AM on Tuesday right now. I wish I have more time to blog but rawr. What's with all the stupid important days falling on this week I hate busy and tight schedules. Right. I shall quickly finish up on research. Do proper brochure tomorrow then mug mug mug for piano. Hopefully I don't remember some shitty homework and suddenly need to make time for it. Oh right French. Aiya whatever it's not like I even do homework anyway O:

Okay. Hi Bio SIA, please be friendly I'll appreciate it very much.

Boo sleep and bed where are youuuu.

2010-08-06T22:40:00.010+08:00

Today's cross country was fun :D

Doodled on hands and faces. Fan girls ftw. My photographer took many many photos of all the 'artwork' with my phone hoho. We were singing so many songs throughout the run/walk hehe. Justin Bieber, Simple Plan, Adam Lambert, Kris Allen and a lot more. And having your friends to cheer for you is a really really nice feeling thank you ^^

After that was horrible though. I didn't swim 'cause I hate swimming and I hate the sun D: Rawr had piano lesson so had to leave wayyyyy early and missed out the fun. And Tampines is so freaking far away I can just die. I swear, I'm never never going to the East side of Singapore anymore without car. It's times like this when I have to travel super far, I wish my one of my parents isn't working boo.

I think I'm getting back my motivation to blog. That's really nice, writing down all the memories and all. It has been like, months since I properly blogged. Last proper post was in September I think? 11 months. What a long hiatus I had.

Going to Genting tomorrow till Monday :D

Part of me is really really dreading it 'cause, there's nothing much to do there and my parents will most likely be away -.- On there other hand, hello Salt and other possible movies! Possibly shopping too if I manage to get money. And time alone to explore an unfamiliar place.

& I really, really need a break. It's been so long since I've been getting enough sleep. Ever since school started, I've been sleeping for 5/6 hours nearly every single day. Sometimes even less. Yeah I can only blame myself but still. I wanna use this opportunity to stop my er erratic sleep patterns yep. And sleep properly again. Also to er recharge myself for the rest of August. There are so many events/important days coming up. I can already see the busy schedule, and it's not going to end till at least September holidays. But they always say that Term 4 is the busiest of all and it was really like that last year, so I guess I can wave goodbye to enough sleep till after EOYs. I think, I'm going to really dread life from now on.

Also, I really, really wanna escape for a moment. Get away from everything in life right now. Piano, people I know, computer, phone and so much more. Not just materialistic things but all the stupid problems and troubles plus hatred too. How I wish I can say goodbye to homework for 3 days but no the teachers decided since it's a long weekend and even though it's after block tests, they should dump us with homework. Thanks teachers that was really nice of you. Rahhh can you believe it I'm actually bringing homework there. Not gonna take the risk and finish everything on Tuesday, I'll just die and rot. And keep dreaming that everything is completed already.

I wanna spend the time over there thinking about everything I've been doing these days. Whether it's right or wrong and so I wouldn't really do it without any real reason but actually because of peer influence. It's a scary, scary thing I tell you. Not only that but also think about what I really wanna do and all the reasons why I've been doing some stuff lately. I don't want it to be because I have to do it or I'm told to do it. I want to find a reason or at least think up of one, so I wouldn't lose direction or motivation. Well basically just to sort out my thoughts.

It's 11:14PM and we're leaving at 5.30AM tomorrow crazy or what. Oh did I mention I haven't packed yet? Shall go do so now hmm.

Bye everyone see you in 3 days ;)

2010-08-03T17:08:00.002+08:00

I hate feeling like this.

I hate feeling so insecure.

About my looks, my appearance, my face, my eyes, my hair, my weight, my height, my brains, my results, piano, my CCA, my friends, my everything.

I wanna be skinny I want skinny legs I want a small waist I want skinny hands I want a small face I want beautiful hair I want big beautiful eyes I wanna be tall I want a small nose I wanna be thin so bad.

I want to be talented I want to be smart I want to be pretty.

I want to be happy everyday.

2010-08-02T23:16:00.008+08:00

"You know that moment, when you just sit down and think, and then reality and all your emotions just hit you, hard. You sit there, and you wonder why you went through all that shit. You sit, and you wonder what you did to deserve it all. You realize that you’re not okay. You fool people into thinking you are, but you’re not okay, not the least bit. You have all this harbored emotions, stress, anger, and hatred. You want to go cry, cry until your eyes sting, and your head starts hurting. You want to scream. But no one can see you do this, otherwise people will know you’re vulnerable, and sure as hell not okay. You want to let people know how you feel, but you can’t, because they won’t understand. They never will understand the pain you’re going through. So, you just keep it bottled up, and deal with it, every single day. You see, we all are wearing a mask. We’re wearing a mask to disguise who we really are, and how we really feel. We do it so well, it’s almost like a profession."

Why does that sound so familiar.

How many times have I gone through that.

I was reading my old blog posts and I realised how happy my blogging tone used to be. See the difference, I didn't say how happy I used to be. I guess right now, I'm learning how to treasure what I have at the moment. And forget about all the unhappy things. Think positive, right. But somehow I just can't go back to blogging the way I used to do it. I don't know, maybe I've lost my motivation after so long.

At any point in life, there are so many things happening. I just look at all these things so superficially, and not trying to understand why some people act this way or why are things done that way. And then sometimes when I'm stoning, all the motives suddenly hit me. Or when people tell me something. I can be just staring into blank space, thinking about all the things that have happened and then I realised how shitty my life is right now. And yet there are so many reasons I can't explain. Ironically, I know that my life is shitty and all. But when I wanna tell someone, I just can't. Maybe because I never like to burden someone else with my problems, or it's because I just can't find a point to start talking about it. I don't know where to start, 'cause every aspect of my life is shitty enough thank you very much.

On the other hand, I don't know if I'm thinking much. I hate it when others assume, yet I do it too. Which I really really hate, but I just can't stop. I take things a step too far. I never get to see the true reason why it happens and then I just conclude it beforehand. And then I don't even bother to know the true reason. That's why there are so many things in life I assumed it to be this way, yet it ended up to be another way. It happened just way too many times I can't help but notice. It's like, sometimes I go like "oh this person isn't replying wth stop dao-ing me fine whatever you want you don't care me I don't care you too". And then it ends up that the person is actually truly busy with another thing that's why. And then I always tell myself to stop assuming all this shitty things and thinking the negative way, because every time I just end up hurting myself for no reason. But I just can't stop, I do it subconsciously. And that's the scary part. I wanna change but I can't.

And then there's my friends. I think I've been acting like I don't give a shit about them and I don't bother to maintain the friendship at all. But I guess that's the kind of person I am. You don't talk to me, I don't talk to you. I've lost I don't know how many friends because of this and I know, I'm losing some of them right now at this moment. And yes, I think I admit I act like I don't give a shit about them too. It's like, people try so hard to communicate to me, and yet I don't take the effort to keep the conversation going. It's so hard to be friends with me. I think if I could friend myself, I would have ignored myself after one day of talking. Because I'm so boring and I act like it doesn't matter. And then there are people who text me or sth, and I can just look, read, ignore and reply one or two hours after that. Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me at times. People are making an effort and I don't even care. Someone once told me that people like others to talk to them first, because it shows that they care. And I seldom talk to others first. I look at some of the close friends I know, those I've know for years, and it's always them talking to me first. Honestly I don't know how they can stand such a person like me. From today onwards, I shall start to talk to people first. It's gonna be hard, and it'll take a long long time, but hey at least I know I've tried.

And to any friend who is reading this, I just wanna tell you, I do care. I care so much you have absolutely no idea. I'm caring so much it's turning me into an obsessive little bitch. I'm driving myself nuts. I hate working my brain so much on things that I should stop thinking about so much. I think that's why I've been sleeping so late the past few weeks. I wanna stop thinking about my life, that's why I do everything so slowly and dragging time. Just to tire myself out, then when I lie in bed I wouldn't think about my life anymore and how shitty it is. I'll just sleep and escape reality.

Of course, it's not working at all. The sleeping late part. The stop thinking so much part. When I'm walking, on bus rides, when I'm staring at my homework, my life loves to flash itself in my brain. It shouts, "THINK ABOUT ME THINK ABOUT ME!" And then there it goes. All the things I've been doing, the crazy bitch I've been acting like and all the people here and there. And then my stupid shitty life. I'm sorry but I just can't think positive anymore. Honestly someone's optimism has its limits. And to think I was debating with someone about how we should be optimistic in life tsk. Here I am thinking of my life in the negative light. I think I've been filtering out all the unhappy moments and suddenly all of them seem to be glaring at me right now. Or rather, have tumbled down onto me so I'll look at each unhappy episode closely. And now I've absolutely no idea where to start, so things will start being right once again.

People say that when you haven't been so upset before in your life, it's because you've been putting on a mask. You've been acting strong all the while, that's why. Only when you take down your mask and look at your own reflection in the mirror, you realised you're not happy at all. Yet it doesn't seem to be the case for me. It's just that, I've been refusing to admit all the things that have happened. I've been escaping reality far too much. And it's getting more and more serious. Every time something upsets me I forget about it and do other stuff. I listen to music or play the piano so I'll set my emotions right. And then the cycle repeats.

Or maybe, I'm just exaggerating everything. Once again, I'm thinking too much and everything I thought it is isn't really what it should be. Whatever. Only time can tell. Well that's if by then I'm willing to see the whole truth. But don't worry people, it's not the worst point of life.

I realised that blogging is a very very good way for expository writing. All the things I wanna write about just keeps coming into my head. I don't need to stare at the computer and pause and think about what I wanna say. Ah heck don't mind the grammar, vocabulary and sentence structure. Tomorrow's LA exam, give me a break alright.

Wow that was long. I think I should start blogging more. And stop thinking of what to blog about and end up not doing it. I realised that I just have to type and type once I start. That's cool. I like it that way.

Alright I need to sleep. Tomorrow's Math exam too. I need to do well. I need at least a 85%. This way the mess in my life will start clearing itself up. And enough sleep is essential for a functioning brain. Oh and good luck too. I will need a lot a lot of luck.

Hello bed & sleep, I miss you so much.

2010-08-01T00:21:00.010+08:00

#666th post.

666 may just be another number to you, or to you it's the devil's number or whatsoever. But to me it means so much more. It's the number of bar numbers of hua mu lan. You can laugh as you read this I don't care. Only I need to know how hua mu lan brings back so much memories.

17 July 2010.

The whole night is still stuck in my head. We were on the stage of SCH, playing music from our hearts.

Thank you everyone who came and those who encouraged me. All those little 'Jiayou' and 'Good Luck'. You have no idea how much they meant to me. Without everyone, the concert wouldn't be so great. And all those beautiful flowers I received which are dying right now. The red roses were really really pretty. I regret not taking photos of the flowers rawr stupid me.

You can say that we all went really high that night. Taking so many photos and with all those blings we put under our eyes. But I guess, deep inside we knew that the time will really fly past. And once it's over, you can't go back into history and live through the day anymore. That's why we were all trying to make it the most memorable day.

When we were playing the final note of jiang jun ling, all the memories of NYCO flashed quickly through my mind. The long practices we had, the times we had fun together, those long depressing talks and every little bits and pieces of NYCO. The smiles, the laughters, the frowns and the tears. And when we ended the note, marking the end of our concert, I couldn't help but smile. I don't exactly know why, mixed reasons perhaps, but I know it wasn't because concert is over. For if I could, I would wish that concert will never never end.

Even if there were mistakes here and there, it didn't matter because we played it from our hearts. We didn't do it because we had to, but because we wanted to. We gave it our best because we didn't want to disappoint. And the two most rewarding things we earned were probably the applause, and the memories.

Thank you NYCO for all the practices which I look forward to every week. Without all the practices in my life right now, it just feels really empty. Somehow there's no meaning anymore. I guess I had been staying inside the CO rooms so much it has really become my third home. The place I seek refuge from all the tests and assignments and homework. Music was my way of running away of problems. So I wouldn't think so much and actually focus on something.

& thank you all the people I know who went for the concert, family and friends. Especially if you were sick on that day. Waving to me and letting me know you were there was enough. I really really appreciate the effort and thought.

The stage. I've got to admit, I do love the stage. The spotlight, the audience and the applause. It's like a drug addiction. The more you perform, the more you want to perform. People watching you do the thing you love, performing. I think it's mostly because I don't actually get so many opportunities, that's why I treasure every chance. And in this case because of many other reasons too.

I guess with this post it mean that I'm really going to wake myself up and tell myself that concert is long over already.

Goodbye concert. The night we were all working so hard for.

NYCO. Not Your Conventional Orchestra. Music From The Heart.

丝竹情韵. 2010. ♥

2010-07-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

New blogskin :D

I'm loving the grey and pink. Everything's pretty 'cept for the ugly scrollbar at the bottom. And I don't like ugly things.

Rahhh I'm getting severe withdrawal symptoms. Not from drugs or smoking or whatsoever. But believe it or not, from CCA. I guess that happens when you're working hard every single day, you stay back for CCA and practising during every break. Then suddenly, the big day comes and goes and there's no more CCA until... end of Block Test apparently.

You start complaining about no CCA, whining about how much you miss CCA and your friends and your instrument. The moment you meet any CCA friends, whether it's junior or batchmate or senior, your life lights up immediately. This is really killing me. Last night I was even dreaming about dazu and I could feel that I was a very very happy girl all over again. Not saying that now I'm not.

It comes to a point where you desperately try to talk to people from CCA as much as you can. Sometimes even staying back so you can go home with the same bunch of friends at around the same time, just like how it was a week ago or so. Random parts of dazu pieces get stuck in your head, and then you suddenly realise you've been humming it subconsciously for who knows how long. You look at a friend and start singing a part of a dazu piece together, with a huge smile plastered on your face.

Typing out the withdrawal symptoms due to lack of CCA just like what I'm doing now and many many more to come. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other things that will happen when you miss CCA a lot a lot, it's just that it hasn't taken effect yet. Ah well, this doesn't happen all the time. I think part of the reason why I haven't taken pictures of my beautiful but dying flowers and writing a proper thank you post is because I don't want all these memories to end. Not say end but, if I do that it'll really mean that the whole thing is over. And I don't want it to.

Alright it's like, 12:09AM right now. Monday early early morning, there's school later. And I still have a thousand more things to finish up. Wish me luck surviving all the Monday blues. And namely this week. I don't want August to come.

2010-07-21T21:27:00.003+08:00

I was just doing Cat Club duty with Yu Wei on Tuesday. And then I realised, how different it was between us.

I guess it was partly due to us not talking as much as before. Being in different classes and all. And the other part 'cause we've all grown a little bit bigger. In other words, we changed.

Maybe it's just me, but somehow there was this.. awkward atmosphere between the both of us. We used to laugh and joke about the most retarded things. And yet the other day I felt like we just ran out of topics to talk about.

And then I realised, how I've been neglecting so many people. I haven't been talking to ex-classmates and all. Lost contact with tuition mates. I'm just so caught with my own world, with all the recent hectic CCA days and this and that. In fact these days I haven't even been talking to some of my good friends and classmates much. I guess I'm just waiting for people to speak to me. And that's really bad.

On the other hand, it sucks so much when you're actually making an effort to speak to the person so the friendship wouldn't die off. And you feel like the person doesn't even care a single bit.

Okay right. I'm just ranting. Realised I'm missing out on so so so many things. Everyday is just work work work for me. When in fact I'm not even busy at all. Why like that. I haven't been blogging properly at all. I think I'm just plain lazy.

Alright, back to piano.

2010-06-15T18:04:00.002+08:00

Hmm so maybe I'm not that important to you.

Thank you very much for letting me know.

Better late than never, right?

2010-06-06T00:24:00.005+08:00

Because now,

I'm afraid to hope, to believe, to trust.

I know things can't forever go my way.

But why is it, always ending up the way I don't want it to end up.

It's always ends up the same way, everything dies off.

And now I don't dare to hope, because nothing ever comes true.

I wish people can mean everything they say.

Not just say it because it's the right thing to do.

And to remember what they've said, because I do.

Now all the lies build up and I don't know whose words to believe in.

When suddenly you realised your world is filled up

with so many lies, deceptions, misleading, pretense,

you can only tell yourself it's gonna end when you know it's not.

Trust you. I wish I can.

2010-05-25T00:06:00.002+08:00

I'll be going Malacca tomorrow. Tues to Thurs.

School trip, pretty please let it be fun! :D

So.

Bye Singapore. Bye Mousehunt.

Bye Twitter. Bye computer. Bye internet.

Bye mobile phone. Bye sms.

Bye my loveliest bed and bolster.

Bye everyone in Singapore.

I will miss you :D

2010-05-20T22:15:00.003+08:00

Toy.

I'm not a freaking toy for you to play with.

And when you're done, you just chuck it aside.

I'm not blind. I can see.

I'm not deaf either. I can hear what you say.

So stop acting like I'm invisible, like I'm not there.

I do have feelings, you know.

Maybe we're all tired. Of pretending to be nice.

Of acting like we know each other.

---

If I could turn back time,

I would go back to that moment.

Just you and me.

Smiling and laughing.

And I will never, ever

say goodbye to you again.

Because I know,

how much it hurts me.

2010-05-13T20:57:00.001+08:00

It's just I'm so sick of everything.

It doesn't matter if I try or not.

It just wouldn't work out.

2010-05-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

Waiting Trying Failing Dying

2010-05-04T20:01:00.001+08:00

It sucks most when you thought you've got everything when you don't.

When you thought everything's gonna be fine when it's not gonna.

When you thought you're fine when you're not.

When you thought it's the truth when it's not.

When you thought you've moved on when you've not.

Ohkay I can't think of anything else.

I don't know why but everytime I listen to 五月天's songs

I'll suddenly be overwhelmed by sadness :(

Ahh why are the lyrics so beautiful.

Ohkay I'll go study now D:

2010-04-27T23:59:00.001+08:00

I'm just so tired. :(

Of studying and everything.

Honestly who cares if I flunk History.

I'm just not study material.

Bye bye A1.

2010-04-25T16:25:00.002+08:00

"#ZodiacFacts #Pisces Secret Desire: To live their dreams and turn fantasies into realities"

-From @ZodiacFacts on Twitter.

HEHEHE SO TRUE. And it's not a secret desire, I think a lot of people around me know that :O

Another one:

"#ZodiacFacts The #Pisces person treats friendship rather too much like love"

I have no comment. Though I loveeeeee my friends! :D

I mean, who doesn't? Seriously.

"#ZodiacFacts #Pisces Positive Qualities: Deeply understanding, interpretative, understanding, intuitive"

I like these qualities :D

And one of my favouriteeeeee:

"#ZodiacFacts A #Pisces can entertain, write, draw, paint, and inspire others with their creative talents."

Though I can neither entertain, write, draw nor paint. D:

"#zodiacfacts #Pisces can be wonderful friends just don't cross paths with them on a rainy day."

So true.

"#ZodiacFacts Emotionally, #Pisces are typically kind, generous and patient and may be very sensitive to what others have to say"

I like these qualities too :D

"#ZodiacFacts A #Pisces Woman will withstand many traumas in life, but each one hits her hard and tends to weaken her."

I don't like that :/

"#ZodiacFacts You will find a #Pisces woman soft spoken and never blabbing!"

HAHAHA THAT'S SO NOT TRUE. I'm forever talking and talking and talking.

"#ZodiacFacts A #Pisces Woman will never lie, because on her part she can never tolerate the demarcation between lies and truth."

Yes I don't lie :)

OKAY I SHALL GET BACK TO WORK.

Though I've been procrastinating all day long. :O

And haven't done anything.

Boo.

2010-04-22T22:13:00.003+08:00

Someone told me something..... someone else said of me.

And I replied, "It's true to some extant."

I won't entirely deny that it's rubbish.

Although what that person said is quite negative.

Because as I said, it's quite true.

Just that nearly everything happens because of a reason.

Or reasons, in this case.

And I'm just too tired to explain.

I don't care what others think.

Only Me needs to know I'm not exactly what that person thinks I am.

2010-04-20T21:47:00.002+08:00

I did try. It may not be the best, but no regrets this time.

All of us only have one chance.

I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm just gonna try my best.

If I don't get in, then it's just me.

Still, thank you to everyone who helped me :D

I don't care if no one's reading this,

hopefully one day they'll chance upon this.

2010-04-19T20:38:00.001+08:00

突然好想你你會在哪裡過得快樂或委屈
突然好想你突然鋒利的回憶突然模糊的眼睛

It's been exactly 2 years. Seven hundred thirty days.

So many things have changed. People, things, attitudes.

Except the fact I still haven't gotten over you.

They say that those you want to forget most,

will always remain in your heart.

Is that true?

Maybe that's why this teeny weeny bit of me,

still misses you.

Part of me moved on.

The other part is still living in the past,

waiting for you to appear again.

If only you hadn't.

If only I didn't.

What if I had the courage.

Maybe one day I'll see you again,

and we'll laugh together,

tease each other.

Just like last time.

But I'm still waiting for the one day to come.

And how long more do I have to wait.

Even in the darkest night,

I just want to be the star nearest to you.

But where's my chance?

2010-04-17T22:27:00.003+08:00

Life really loves to fool you.

Makes you upset over something you thought happened.

And then you realise that you're just worrying for nothing.

But it's because of this,

that you know how much something means to you.

Now I know.

And I'm going to create my chances.

2010-04-14T13:59:00.000+08:00

HELLO WORLD! :D

I LOVE YOU WORLD! :D

Today is a happy day,
happy day,
happy day.
Today is a happy day,
happy day :D

This is actually a post for someone who COMPLAINS that I don't blog often.
Nah, post for you.
& the world.
Hehehehehe.

BTW GUESS WHO IS MY HUSBAND :)

2010-04-11T00:35:00.002+08:00

I keep running into walls I can't break down--

What if one day

the only thing I wanna do

is just give up

2010-03-09T23:11:00.001+08:00

14 MORE HOURS! :D

2010-03-07T23:04:00.002+08:00

THREE MORE DAYS PEOPLE! :D

It's been so long ever since I last blogged. The last proper blog post was on 9 September 2009.

2 more days and it'll be exactly 6 months ago. Half a year.

So many things happened.

But I'm still keeping my faith :)

2009-12-13T11:53:00.008+08:00

SHINee at Golden Disk Award. They won the Popularity award.

SHINee at Thailand.

Onew.

Happy 20th Bdae ( Leader, Dubu, Jin Ki) Onew! Saranghaeyo!!

love,

the SHINee lover (xfcs)

CREDIT: weareshining.com

2009-12-09T00:09:00.010+08:00

SHINee group photo. Middle : Jong Hyun ♥

Happy 18th birthday Minho! Saranghae yo! ♥

Love,

the SHINee lover (XFCS)

(Credit: weareshining.com)

2009-12-06T23:40:00.002+08:00

最棒的主唱阿信，

生日快乐! ♥

2009-11-20T23:50:00.006+08:00

炎亚轮生日快乐！:D

真希望《爱似百汇》会在12月上映~

炎亚轮要加油 ♥

2009-10-17T02:43:00.002+08:00

LEGENDARY!!!

Ok I know it's exam period, for me at least, but w/e.

3 more papers to maple.

Omg I can't wait!!! :)

2009-10-07T22:31:00.003+08:00

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY WEI LIAN! :D

(He's the one on the left)

He's one of my favourite members of Lollpop :D

He was super funny in MFBBT,

and he's really nice.

I hope every episode of Welcome Alien will have PK,

then can see him in every episode.

Every time when the host is not him,

I don't want to watch already.

I wish that he'll have that charming smile forever :)

---

YEAH PEOPLE I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN BLOGGING

When they said that term 4 is going to be freaking busy,

I didn't believe them.

But now it's true D:

Kay, I need to sleep soon.

I'm so tempted to blog about all the FB games :D

2009-09-09T23:34:00.000+08:00

09/09/09 - What a special day.

I spent the special day on homework though. Grrrrrrr

In a mousehunt tournament right now. Jia Xin keeps sounding the party horn D:

There's CCA tomorrow, 9 to 5. Office hour :(

Kay I shall do some work while sounding the horn before going to bed early. Have to wake up early tomorrow!

Maybe I'll blog 'bout something interesting one day. Probably about the games I play? Whoa that's going to be a long post. xD

---

Tag Replies

clarice(:: Of course you're mean. Com'on, who doesn't know that? :)

yanli: I'm a unique lazy jellyfish! xD And you will not succeed in annoying me :)

belle: Ok, looking forward to BMX outing! Anyway, my links are still... missing in action.

2009-09-09T01:05:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes we put up walls.
Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

I wonder, who will be the ones that knock down the wall of mine?

2009-09-07T00:03:00.001+08:00

Hahaha today is really really a good day.

It's Sunday and yet I can sleep as late as I want, caught 4 zombies today and I spent the whole day enjoying.

Like right now I'm watching MFBBT. Lollipop is super funny! Especially Xiao Yu, Wei Lian and Wang Zi. xD

Ahhhh, I shall do theory soon.

Really hope I can have this kind of good mood everyday. Then no one can piss me off :)

2009-09-02T22:30:00.001+08:00

What about you?

2009-09-01T15:49:00.001+08:00

Happy Teachers' Day! :)

---

Happy Sad Happy Sad.

Why are things so screwed up?

2009-08-30T21:59:00.001+08:00

fucked up.

'nuff said.

2009-08-28T23:47:00.001+08:00

Irritating Blogger new post page wouldn't work. Somehow the internet is screwed these days :O

There's so much to write about these days, but I just can't find time. Even when I have the time, I can't remember what to write about. :(

Okay this week really sucks. I had so much homework and french controle test and yesterday I had the PSL interview (which I totally screwed up, btw) plus rehearsal. And then there's FPSP time trial tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers, it's a really big percentage of humanities. Aiming for an A1, even though my humanities really suck don't remind me.

Half looking forward to next week! Next Monday is TCD and I hope it goes well, well it has to :) & then I should be going back to NYPS, ahhh I miss the old times. But there's piano after that, gahhh I have theory to do -.-

I like a new band ???! Used to listen to songs by them in the past. But now I'm really addicted. I mean like, the band is so much better than Fahrenheit and Lollipop. Mayday's songs are super niceeeee. And Ashin likes Spongebob! :D Cute or what you tell me.

Shall reply the tags (which are way overdue for some) before revising FPSP stuff and then I shall go sleep :)

Tag Replies

sk: miss you too si si :)

clarice~!: MY BLOG IS NOT SAD! :( And mozilla firefox is not stupid! Though at times it really irritates you ttm. And I think it's your com's prob 'cos such things never happen to me xD

yanli: But it's so hard to not understand stuff! *pouts* And it's not ALWAYS that friends will be there, there are still er, other factors. Right porcupine? :) OW DAMN PAIN PORCUPINE WHY YOU POKE ME! See I'm jellyfish and supposedly jelly-ish, yet I can feel your stupid spikes. CHOP THEM OFF LAR! So painful :(

Mandy: Zhi Shu is perfect not Joe Cheng! But he's still the best yeah xD (After Aaron Yan and others though, heh)

daniel: nice to know you're blogging again! and thanks :)

melissa: i miss you too penguin :(

hanyao: hi, thank you :)

2009-08-24T23:57:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow;
I'm scared to face the truth.

I rather I don't know.

2009-08-21T23:57:00.003+08:00

Stole this from somewhere over the rainbow :)

25 deep questions that will really tell you something about me not stupid questions like ” what is your favorite lip gloss?”.

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?:
- Both are equally hard. I just can't look into someone's eyes, especially when the person is looking back. But if I really have to choose, probably the first one.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?:
- Yes i guess

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago nonstop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?:
- Er, where's Honolulu? And I think I would use the time to thank people silently in my heart instead :)

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?:
- Yeah, I'm very afraid of this kind of stuff. And I guess I'll just tell my close ones, no point announcing to the whole world you're going to die right -.-

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust:
- Trust.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life?:
- Canal? I'll get help, then take cab to work :D

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?:
- Well I don't think this will happen. If it does, I'll just see if I feel guilty and decide whether to tell him

8. Your friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?:
- Depends, whether if it's a guy or girl, and my feelings for that friend lol

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?:
- Haha yes and no

11. Does love = sex?:
- No.

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?:
- If you're talking 'bout the crush way, never :)

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?:
- That I don't. I guess

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?:
- I've thought of this before, and there's so many things I don't want to give up that I can't decide which is the hardest

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?:
- "ai si ni le" hahaha only the person knows :)

18. Imagine: it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?:
- Aaron yan :D

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?:
- I guess so, if I know how to give CPR. And my gosh, the person is dying! Not saving the person is heartless you know

21. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision?:
- Either way I'll still be a murderer

22. Are you old fashioned?:
- Haha a bit I think

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?:
- Someday in the past week :)

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?:
- Erm, the first I think.

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?:
- For everyone to be happy.
---
I should do more interesting quizzes to kill time :)

2009-08-16T23:58:00.001+08:00

Spoke of it like it was just part of my past.
Have I really learn to let go?

2009-08-16T00:09:00.003+08:00

I'm extremely annoyed right now.
The feeling is terrible :(

Watched Kamen Rider Kiva! It's not bad, something like Power Rangers hehe. But it's much better. Plus Koji Seto is ridiculously cute! Seriously :)

Slacked for the whole day. Tell me, how to get my homework done! Gahhhhh, not in the mood to blog.

Shall watch an episode of Kamen Rider Kiva and go to bed. Woots the show rocks ;D

Go Wataru/Koji Seto!

2009-08-15T00:17:00.000+08:00

Your world which I try so hard to fit in,
yet I'll never understand.

2009-08-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

If I suddenly disappear,
will anyone actually notice?

2009-08-11T23:51:00.002+08:00

Grrrrrrrr, sometimes I'm angry 'bout how Xiang Qin doesn't know that Zhi Shu likes her! :(

Kay fine Zhi Shu doesn't really show it but she can really tell the change in attitude.

Still, if she knows already then no more story hahahaha

And ohmygosh there's this girl who's like 3rd grade. And she confessed to Zhi Shu that she likes him and it was love at first sight. Zhi Shu's like 17/18. Crazy! :O

Think it'll be kidda irritating to be Zhi Shu and all the girls just go gaga over you. But seriously, no girl in the right mind wouldn't. He's like so shuai :D

Kay I need to sleep. Yay for Joe Cheng! :D