-if you’re not comfortable with vulgarities, don’t read this post-

i’m really really tired. honestly, fuck you life. It’s only the second month and you give me this kind of problems. it’s hard to choose, and each decision .. can change anything.

and life’s not going that great. though at times it’s sweet and unexpected, i just can’t help but think this is a dream. but now, it’s just another fucking nightmare.

and when my friends read my palm, i just fucking want to cry ok. though they reassure me that it’s ok, i don’t have to worry. but wtf, i don’t want to die at a young age. and i don’t want to .. gah nvm.

and even though there’s less homework and stuff, i can’t take it anymore. stress, stress and more stress. and it’s just not another fucking stress of how i can’t get all A1s. it’s more than that. like how i’m expected to be the first and stuff. and i need to be outstanding and everything. so every night i’ll be thinking if i finished everything already, what test i have. i need to study this, i need to study that.

though everything has been fine ‘cept chinese, i just feel hopeless and helpless. and don’t you dare tell me a 17/20 for french revision test is good, if other people can get 19 why can’t i? and don’t crap about how i scored damn good for physics and stuff, ‘cos it’s nawt. i scored a fucking low 13/20 for 2 assignments already. TELL ME LAH, GOOD OR NOT.

i know i shouldn’t be stressing myself too much, but i never like it when people get disappointed. like, when i saw their expressions when they signed my 2008 SA1 papers, i just felt guilty. and after that day, i just work hard and work hard and work hard. and when i saw their disappointment AGAIN for prelims and psle, i was thinking “oh fuck lah”. seriously. it’s not that they have high expectations until it’s crazy, it’s just that .. GAHH I’M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH OK.

i believe i’m living behind a mask. i smile everyday, and laugh and laugh and laugh. so much so that one of my friends call me Smiley. but the thing is, i think i’m just pretending. i hate it when they become upset when i’m upset. i hate it when others worry for me. i hate it when others get disappointed. i hate it when others get pissed, just ‘cos i keep saying that i’m lousy. i hate it when people thinks it’s fucking nice and cool to be above average.

i love my friends a lot, i do. but sometimes i feel like they don’t deserve me as a friend. because i’m mean and unfriendly and i’m a monster. i’m loud and emo and uncool. i’m unpopular and a loser and a bitch. and finally because, i’m probably the worst person on Earth.