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Like A Ferrari Racing Past You
Monday, June 01, 2009
11:23 PM
1st June, 5 months have passed.Honestly, I never thought I could survive in Nanyang for this long. To me, being in here was a mistake. I expected myself to give up halfway and just fail all the assignments and stuff. Then I'll just talk to my parents and get me transferred elsewhere. Being in Nanyang, was like putting on a mask. You must pretend everything's alright, when everything's going wrong. The challenges and assignments pushed me forward, though each time I felt like I was drowning in water, helpless and just hoping someone could save you. Maybe it's just me, but I just don't feel like I belong. The feeling was just like when I lost my way in a shopping mall when I was young, just because I was fascinated with toys. Or that time when I came to know that no one from my kindergarten would be going to Nanyang Primary. Every time I was upset, I would just smile my way through. It has become natural, like it's my way to prevent myself of breaking inside. Though it did not help much. And every time I laugh, it's just my way to tell myself that everything's normal. But well, I'm not saying everything I do is fake. Learning a new instrument was actually a new idea to me, but I'm glad. Each time I will look forward to CCA, I've grown to love it so much. After playing a whole song, I will always feel a sense of achievement. Like, hey maybe it's not that bad as I thought, something's still on the right track. The past 5 months - unexpectedly and undeniably sweet, sour and bitter. & totally awesome. Feeling insecure and unsafe is a fact, but it's okay. I will just traipse gingerly, careful not to step on the glass pieces which may cut me with a wrong move. Do I regret with I did in the past? Yes. Do I want to go back to the past? No. I'm happy with where I am right now, it doesn't need to be perfect. It's not necessary the best place to be but I like it. You can find fault with me, you can push all the blame to me, you can accuse me with things which I never did, you can pretend that I'm the biggest loser in the world, you can ignore me for all you want. But I've learnt to live with it. Like what they say, it's part and parcel of life. It may be hard but I'll try. I've learnt to stop clinging on to the past, it will just mean that you're not happy with your life. Things change, really. If I never get noticed, I'll just be yet another loner. At least, I won't feel this insecure. Loves, Xinyi<3 |