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☆ Xin Yi

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Monday, August 02, 2010 11:16 PM
"You know that moment, when you just sit down and think, and then reality and all your emotions just hit you, hard. You sit there, and you wonder why you went through all that shit. You sit, and you wonder what you did to deserve it all. You realize that you’re not okay. You fool people into thinking you are, but you’re not okay, not the least bit. You have all this harbored emotions, stress, anger, and hatred. You want to go cry, cry until your eyes sting, and your head starts hurting. You want to scream. But no one can see you do this, otherwise people will know you’re vulnerable, and sure as hell not okay. You want to let people know how you feel, but you can’t, because they won’t understand. They never will understand the pain you’re going through. So, you just keep it bottled up, and deal with it, every single day. You see, we all are wearing a mask. We’re wearing a mask to disguise who we really are, and how we really feel. We do it so well, it’s almost like a profession."

Why does that sound so familiar.
How many times have I gone through that.

I was reading my old blog posts and I realised how happy my blogging tone used to be. See the difference, I didn't say how happy I used to be. I guess right now, I'm learning how to treasure what I have at the moment. And forget about all the unhappy things. Think positive, right. But somehow I just can't go back to blogging the way I used to do it. I don't know, maybe I've lost my motivation after so long.

At any point in life, there are so many things happening. I just look at all these things so superficially, and not trying to understand why some people act this way or why are things done that way. And then sometimes when I'm stoning, all the motives suddenly hit me. Or when people tell me something. I can be just staring into blank space, thinking about all the things that have happened and then I realised how shitty my life is right now. And yet there are so many reasons I can't explain. Ironically, I know that my life is shitty and all. But when I wanna tell someone, I just can't. Maybe because I never like to burden someone else with my problems, or it's because I just can't find a point to start talking about it. I don't know where to start, 'cause every aspect of my life is shitty enough thank you very much.

On the other hand, I don't know if I'm thinking much. I hate it when others assume, yet I do it too. Which I really really hate, but I just can't stop. I take things a step too far. I never get to see the true reason why it happens and then I just conclude it beforehand. And then I don't even bother to know the true reason. That's why there are so many things in life I assumed it to be this way, yet it ended up to be another way. It happened just way too many times I can't help but notice. It's like, sometimes I go like "oh this person isn't replying wth stop dao-ing me fine whatever you want you don't care me I don't care you too". And then it ends up that the person is actually truly busy with another thing that's why. And then I always tell myself to stop assuming all this shitty things and thinking the negative way, because every time I just end up hurting myself for no reason. But I just can't stop, I do it subconsciously. And that's the scary part. I wanna change but I can't.

And then there's my friends. I think I've been acting like I don't give a shit about them and I don't bother to maintain the friendship at all. But I guess that's the kind of person I am. You don't talk to me, I don't talk to you. I've lost I don't know how many friends because of this and I know, I'm losing some of them right now at this moment. And yes, I think I admit I act like I don't give a shit about them too. It's like, people try so hard to communicate to me, and yet I don't take the effort to keep the conversation going. It's so hard to be friends with me. I think if I could friend myself, I would have ignored myself after one day of talking. Because I'm so boring and I act like it doesn't matter. And then there are people who text me or sth, and I can just look, read, ignore and reply one or two hours after that. Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me at times. People are making an effort and I don't even care. Someone once told me that people like others to talk to them first, because it shows that they care. And I seldom talk to others first. I look at some of the close friends I know, those I've know for years, and it's always them talking to me first. Honestly I don't know how they can stand such a person like me. From today onwards, I shall start to talk to people first. It's gonna be hard, and it'll take a long long time, but hey at least I know I've tried.

And to any friend who is reading this, I just wanna tell you, I do care. I care so much you have absolutely no idea. I'm caring so much it's turning me into an obsessive little bitch. I'm driving myself nuts. I hate working my brain so much on things that I should stop thinking about so much. I think that's why I've been sleeping so late the past few weeks. I wanna stop thinking about my life, that's why I do everything so slowly and dragging time. Just to tire myself out, then when I lie in bed I wouldn't think about my life anymore and how shitty it is. I'll just sleep and escape reality.

Of course, it's not working at all. The sleeping late part. The stop thinking so much part. When I'm walking, on bus rides, when I'm staring at my homework, my life loves to flash itself in my brain. It shouts, "THINK ABOUT ME THINK ABOUT ME!" And then there it goes. All the things I've been doing, the crazy bitch I've been acting like and all the people here and there. And then my stupid shitty life. I'm sorry but I just can't think positive anymore. Honestly someone's optimism has its limits. And to think I was debating with someone about how we should be optimistic in life tsk. Here I am thinking of my life in the negative light. I think I've been filtering out all the unhappy moments and suddenly all of them seem to be glaring at me right now. Or rather, have tumbled down onto me so I'll look at each unhappy episode closely. And now I've absolutely no idea where to start, so things will start being right once again.

People say that when you haven't been so upset before in your life, it's because you've been putting on a mask. You've been acting strong all the while, that's why. Only when you take down your mask and look at your own reflection in the mirror, you realised you're not happy at all. Yet it doesn't seem to be the case for me. It's just that, I've been refusing to admit all the things that have happened. I've been escaping reality far too much. And it's getting more and more serious. Every time something upsets me I forget about it and do other stuff. I listen to music or play the piano so I'll set my emotions right. And then the cycle repeats.

Or maybe, I'm just exaggerating everything. Once again, I'm thinking too much and everything I thought it is isn't really what it should be. Whatever. Only time can tell. Well that's if by then I'm willing to see the whole truth. But don't worry people, it's not the worst point of life.

I realised that blogging is a very very good way for expository writing. All the things I wanna write about just keeps coming into my head. I don't need to stare at the computer and pause and think about what I wanna say. Ah heck don't mind the grammar, vocabulary and sentence structure. Tomorrow's LA exam, give me a break alright.

Wow that was long. I think I should start blogging more. And stop thinking of what to blog about and end up not doing it. I realised that I just have to type and type once I start. That's cool. I like it that way.

Alright I need to sleep. Tomorrow's Math exam too. I need to do well. I need at least a 85%. This way the mess in my life will start clearing itself up. And enough sleep is essential for a functioning brain. Oh and good luck too. I will need a lot a lot of luck.

Hello bed & sleep, I miss you so much.