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☆ Xin Yi

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Thursday, September 09, 2010 11:35 PM
My mind's a blank.

I want to talk about so many things but I don't know where to start.
Okay that's a lie, it's more like I don't know what to talk about and don't really wish to talk about them. I contradict myself so much gosh.

It's just that even though I know practically no one reads this space anymore, ultimately it's still not a private space. Yet I don't want to blog in my locked blog. Because that beats the purpose of letting others read about my life isn't it. And I really think it's tiring to log in just to see my own posts. And really annoying when others want to read your blog but can't because it's locked.

Alright I shall admit the biggest problem is I don't like others to read about what I feel. Contradict much againnnnn. It's funny how attention-seeking I am, yet I don't like people to know about me. Maybe not dislike people knowing me, probably more like a lot of things I just wish people wouldn't know. But hah no matter what all humans are curious and loves to invade other's privacy, especially mine.

I have no secret to hide but shesh, it's my own personal space after all and it's rude. And at times I just don't really like people knowing who I'm talking to, once again not a deep dark secret but come on why so nosy. Like hey I want to have my own friends that don't actually have a thousand other mutual friends with me. They wanna make friends, fine. But seriously, what's the point of the names of other friends when you don't even know how they look like or didn't even know their existence. If I can not look at other people's phones to see their messages, why can't the rest seriously. I swear, I've never peeped at someone's phone before. Not even while they're messaging. Unless they did that to me, then I just wanna show them how it feels like.

... okay I take that back. I once peeped at someone's phone heh. Oh well I will stop doing that hmm.

My LA social issue talk should really be on privacy issue, shouldn't it. Don't you know those few people, as long as you know their Facebook/Twitter/blog/whatsoever you practically know what they've been doing? And I can't, I just can't. It's not that I have any problem with that, it's just something I realised. I untagged so many pictures of me on FB, I don't post anything much, my last status was ages ago and I don't really comment. I spend less than 1 hour on FB everyday right now. All I do is write on other people's wall and FB Chat. That's pretty much sums up my FB activity.

In fact I realised, my virtual life is practically nonexistent. My Twitter is just some boring tweets or emo shit that doesn't really describe my life. My blog is dying, all you can find from here are my old posts and things that don't make sense. My Tumblr is just a bunch of reblogs that don't make much sense either. Wheee how nice. When I look back to what I'm writing this year, half the time I probably won't understand anything. And the greatest joy of all, my FB Twitter Blogger Tumblr don't link. You can't find my Twitter from my blog, my Tumblr from FB etc. Just try. The only way is to ask me.

Fear. I think that's why my online activities have been decreasing. I'm scared of others reading what I do and what I feel, then they somehow use it to stab me or something. I know I'm thinking too much, I'm just paranoid that someday someone will use what I wrote to threaten or whatsoever. Or they'll talk about it. You know how girls are gossipy people. And I'm annoyed just at the thought of rumours. I think that's why I lie so much about some things and I hide stuff from others. Oh and of course, not telling the whole truth.

I think that's what someone like me will do most of the time. I don't like to lie, but I'm not completely honest with anyone. To me anything's fine as long as I don't lie. Much. You don't ask, I don't tell. And that equals to me not telling the complete truth all the time. I think it's essential for everyone to know how to leave out some facts though. Who can be completely honest all the time, someday somewhere somehow you're gonna hurt someone.

Okay right. End of rant. I surprised myself for typing such a long crap. When I started typing the first line I honestly didn't know what I was going to write about. I think now my blog is just a whole load of bullshit with long posts and nonsense. Boring shit. Merci beaucoup if you survived this long.

I have ten thousand work to do. I haven't started on ANYTHING congratulations to me. I just can't find my motivation. Born slacker, face it. Hooray. Friday Saturday Sunday then MONDAY. Sucks much seriously.

Right so you're giving me the silent treatment now hmm. Not just one but a whole load of people. What did I tell myself the other day. Stop building my happiness on a sugar-coated bullshit nonsense and empty promises. I should really stop believing anyone says or feel anything cos of their words. They mean nothing, just cheap talking.

See the reason why I built my wall around me, to defend myself. I just wish I wasn't born with eyes mouth ears. I wish I didn't see what was happening, I didn't ask anything about, and I couldn't hear your answer. Because in the end it would be me getting hurt. Alright I wouldn't say getting hurt but, times like this I wish I didn't know the truth. Then I wouldn't notice anything changing.

I missed 11:11PM today, after days of encountering it. Honestly is this the end already. Gosh I should really think so much and concentrate on my studies. If I actually spent the time thinking of all this nonsense and on my phone texting etc. really studying hard, I swear I would be acing everything right now not kidding.

Someone anyone cheer me up just make me happy again. Not through text that would be too short-lived before hell happens. In 3 more days. I can't imagine. I don't want to think about. Okay brain stop. Seriously.

I'm just typing on and on, whatever's coming to my mind. I just checked, I've already typed 1102 words before this sentence. Why is nonsense so much easier to come up with. Okies. Right. Work.

Oh fuckers fuck off. None of your asshole business. Stop annoying me I do have a limit. You're not perfect I'm not either. Get this into your brainless head now. FUCK OFF.

Shesh. Life why are you so cruel.