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Codes by 16thday!Background from here, profile icon from thefadingnight. |
Sunday, September 26, 2010
11:56 PM
One post a week. Keeping my promise. Last week I didn't. And the last post is ages again and the new school term has started. 2 weeks have past. Everything is happening at a crazy fast speed. And.I am so fucking screwed no one has any idea. I just want to cry in someone's arms and rant about how miserable my life is but who is willing. Everyone is so caught up in their own worlds and EOYs ARE coming. I know. Ultimately at the end of the day, I just have to convince myself that I am alone. I'm a loser and nothing else. Tomorrow is the French oral day and I have absolutely no idea how to speak French at all. I'm just going to be complete joke and get a big fat zero. I've never fallen so deep before. And I still remember in primary school, even though it's just primary school, I never felt so lousy before. And what's more, I just realised how I've been distancing myself from the rest of the world. It's probably just subconsciously, but it just kind of hit me how I easily get annoyed at people nowadays. And I'm pretty sure they're annoyed at me too. Like I've been sarcastic and not making jokes anymore, and these few days my definition of being funny is to criticize someone. I don't know how to explain the situation but, it's just not me anymore. I think some people have noticed and are trying to make an effort, because they know EOYs are reallyyyy near and I could be stressed or something. But isn't it funny how I said that I'll try to communicate with others more. And yet here I am, attempting to live in my own world. I changed so much I don't know if it's me anymore. I haven't logged into facebook for days. Even if I do, I never spent more than 15 minutes I swear. The number of tweets I tweet and the texts I sent drastically dropped. By like, half the amount or even more. The time I spend on the computer is much much less, at times I even dread switching it on. And of course, I haven't gone online for days too. Everyone mentioned that they haven't seen me on MSN for a very very long time. Oh and I don't really blog or tumblr anymore. As insane as it sounds, it's true. Not that now I'm a nerd who studies 24/7. Because it's the opposite of that. In fact, I spend so much time just doing nothing. Really, nothing. Which means staring into blank space. Because now I don't even want to think about anything. It's just that, I do know I have less than 3 weeks to EOYS. But Ms Urgency just refuses to find me and knock some sense into my tiny brain. 2 weeks seems to be quite a bit of time. But it's not, not at all. I have 8 subjects in total to study for minus French which I'm prepared to get 20% or something I'm not kidding. And 8 subjects, that's really really a lot. Considering what I remember is like what, nothing. I forget everything immediately after the test ends. I do feel guilty for not starting my revision yet. Because I know people who started theirs long ago, and my productivity at even this point of time is zero. Seeing people around me studying makes me think, oh why am I not doing the same. I'm lazy and all, but I do want good grades. Passing is not enough, I've always been ambitious and I can even cry over a 2.0. You may be getting a perfect score 1.0 and thinking, why is this girl so stupid and dumb and such an idiot 2.0 is lousy blah blah blah. But whatever shut up. Of course, the biggest contributing factor for my lack of motivation is just well, my lack of motivation. Once again, the questioning hits me. What I've been doing and what I'm doing, what's my true purpose really. I'm just aimlessly studying because well, I'm a student. My parents want me to do well. It's nothing about what I want and my goals and dreams and what I'm looking for. And this time, the directionless feeling is the er, most severe yet. And it just has to come at the most crucial point of time, right before EOYs. I do like to do a various of thing. Singing makes me happy, playing piano makes me forget about the world and all the problems, as nerdy as it may sound I love to read. But I've never liked anything a lot. It's not like those people who are truly passionate about music or dance or art or computer and so on. Never. I have friends who love to run or dance or make music. And they've never really said they disliked it or anything. In my case I don't really have a passion. At times I lie and say that my passion is music. But I know that it's not exactly the truth. I hate practising and I really really dread it. I've never ever worked really hard for anything. I also have friends who have big dreams or aims and it motivates them to work even harder. But I have none. I don't have a dream, I don't have the slightest idea what I wanna be when I grow old. And it's sad, really. I don't know what I'm studying for, a lot of times I ask why I am doing a certain thing. But I have no answer, because I do not know why. I just wish, I know what my dreams are. Because I really hate living my life aimlessly. This way I wouldn't keep asking myself what the heck am I doing in Nanyang. Right. Half the post I'm ranting about how I don't have a dream or a passion and it upsets me. I think I've also found the reason why I stopped putting in extra effort in completing an assignment and so on. I only did them because there's a deadline and I don't want a big fat zero. On the other hand, I don't see the point of me scoring very well either, so I tend to just complete them because I'm told to do so. Rahhhh. It's gonna take a long time before I figure my way around life and find what I really want to do and so on. Till then, I'll still live day by day. With those ups and downs, mostly disappointments. I really hate how I fail to see the positive side of life these days. What happened to my optimism. I shall attempt to practice French for awhile so I wouldn't die so badly tomorrow. But honestly nothing can be changed at this moment can it. |