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Codes by 16thday!Background from here, profile icon from thefadingnight. |
Monday, August 22, 2011
11:30 PM
I honestly need to stop thinking that dealing with my parents is like doing a business. How talking to them about money is convincing them to invest it in you, how persuading them to do something your way is like trying to seal a business deal. On a side note, it's such an irony that as I grow older I have better tolerance. Yet, I seem to be dislike people so easily. The little things that people do that will get on my nerves, how just one sentence can be a trigger or even one small action. I think you start to notice more things, especially the little details. And that's how you become so aware of the bad side of people. I remember when I was young I didn't believe how there's a reason for everything. Things were black and white and just that. What others do, it's either right or wrong. You only see it on the surface level. Then as I grew up, I started to realise that there's also the grey. Because everything isn't as simple as it seems. What people say and do, every single word and action is motivated by something. Yes people still judge you by whether what you do is right or wrong. But subconsciously or not, people will still attempt to justify one's action. Even though the hard truth is that people normally think in the negative manner. It makes things much easier. Today was a fucked up day. I felt so horribly shitty that it couldn't have gotten any worse. It's the tense feelings, again. Had a cranky mood the whole day, I think I pissed some people off. Or rather, scared someone. Starbucks saved the day though! Feeling much better and awake. I'm feeling all the insecurity coming back. All the negative thought of myself. I don't know how long I can last. It's just, I'm trying really. But I always feel like it's not enough, you know? Now I'm starting to dread everything in life. People, work, books. And school - what's new. All the I-hate-life thoughts and depression are coming back. I don't even know what happened I really did my best to make sure everything's right and proper. I'm so scared, so afraid, that I'll fall back to that hole and never be able to crawl out again. I'm so sick of the past and everything I've done. I don't wanna live through it again. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm just. So exhausted. I wish so much for time to just pause for a moment and let me truly enjoy life. Like hey I'm a teen I'm supposed to be having fun! But oh no because I'm in this goddamn school there's no such thing. Just a random thought. The scariest people in the world are actually those who are able to know what you're thinking and can persuade you to do something, usually in the favour. They are the manipulators, and are not afraid to do so. Something very slytherin of me - I tell so many half-truths. Over the years, I've told so many of half-truths to many different people. To some people I know, they don't regard half-truths as something bad. I don't think they entirely get what it means. It's not just telling some parts of the whole story and not the entire story. It's also phrasing your partial truth, no matter how small it is, such that it is in your favour, to your advantage. Or perhaps, twisting the fact in such a manner that it's not really the truth already. I think the worse part of all is that I never feel guilty about any of them. Long week ahead, please let me pull through. Goodnight x. |